Twilight Outtakes
by s. du jour
Summary: Inspired by the 'Outtakes' section on Stephenie Meyer's website. Selected scenes from Twilight are given a bit of a twist. Edward will eat, Jacob will juggle, Bella will blush, and Charlie will cry. And so will you. With laughter...
1. Preface, First Sight & Open Book

**Wow, after reposting this, I realise how bad this first stuff was. Thankfully, it gets better. Thanks for sticking with it, guys, and sorry about the rejigging. Blech. To first-time readers: Welcome. Stay with me and hopefully you won't regret it. Unfortunately, if you don't like it, I can't offer you a money-back guarantee, mostly because nobody's paying me anything, but also because I'm a huge cheapskate.**

**ONCE AND FOR ALL DISCLAIMER: This is meant to be a work of pastiche and parody. I don't own anything to do with Twilight. **

* * *

**PREFACE:**

_I stared without breathing across the long room, into the dark eyes of the hunter, and he looked pleasantly back at me. _Edward couldn't save me now. I was utterly alone.

On a side note, I wondered idly what I was going to cook for dinner if, by some miracle, Edward did save me. Charlie would've had a hard day's work, and he'd need something filling. Well, I wouldn't have the time to fix anything but leftovers and a salad. There was that left-over quiche- noooo, we'd already eaten that. Well, there was always good old spaghetti from a tin. Yeah, that'd do. Except I suddenly remembered that I'd given the last of the tins to the canned food drive at school.

Maybe I'd have to make something from scratch. I tried to remember what was in the cupboard. If I used up the last of the flour and the hamburger patties, and the… the… oh no!

I gasped. _The hunter smiled in a friendly way as he sauntered forward to kill me, _but that wasn't what was bothering me.

I'd forgotten to go shopping. Charlie would have to go hungry whether or not I survived.

Damn.

* * *

**1. FIRST SIGHT:**

_(Driving to the airport.)_

_I was wearing my favourite shirt—sleeveless, white eyelet lace; I was wearing it as a farewell gesture_, I guess_. _I didn't really want to wear it; it wasn't the sort of thing you travel in. I would've worn that other top, you know, the purple one with the thing on the side, but that'd gotten stained when I'd tripped over and cut myself pretty badly. And my check shirt, my second choice, was still dirty. I'd stowed it in my bag anyway, ready to wash when I got to Forks. So the white lace top would have to do. _My carry-on item was a parka._

_***_

_(Charlie's found Bella a car.)_

"_Do you remember Billy Black down at La Push?" La Push is the tiny Indian reservation on the coast. _

"_No."_

"_He used to go fishing with us during the summer," Charlie prompted. _

_That would explain why I didn't remember him. I do a good job of blocking painful, unnecessary things from my memory._

"_He's in a wheelchair now," Charlie continued when I didn't respond," so he can't drive anymore, and he offered to sell me his truck cheap."_

"He's in a wheelchair?" I interrupted. "Poor Billy! How did that happen?"

"Well, he was kind of in an accident," Charlie told me. I waited for him to continue.

When he didn't, I prompted, "Accident? What kind of accident?"

Charlie made a face. "Car accident," he mumbled.

"The same car you're talking about?" I asked. I couldn't believe this.

"Well… yeah," he admitted. "But don't worry, Bella. It wasn't too badly beat up. We got all of the dents out of the metal. And most of the blood out of the seats."

"_Most_ of the blood?" I asked suspiciously.

He coughed awkwardly. "We-ll… there's a couple of stains that are still there. But they're mostly gone. Don't worry, they're not that noticeable." I sighed and changed the subject. This wasn't going anywhere.

"_What year is it?"_ I said, meaning the car.

* * *

**2. OPEN BOOK**

_(Charlie comes home to Bella setting the table for dinner.)_

"_What's for dinner?" he asked warily. My mother was an imaginative cook, and her experiments weren't always edible._ Evidently, he lived in the past enough to have remembered Renee's disasters.

"Don't worry, it's only steak and potatoes. I haven't inherited Mom's cooking skills," I reassured him.

"I'm glad to… hear that." It had sounded for a moment as if there were a break in his voice. But I must have imagined it. That's what I got for staying up late last night. I continued. "Do you remember the time she made potato and pineapple patties?"

"Ye-es, I remember that one." He laughed unenthusiastically. Obviously the day had tired him out too much.

Occupied with the memories, I laughed. "What was I _thinking_? Of _course_ you'd remember that one! And her idea of dinner and dessert in one- wasn't it meatloaf with glace cherries, and ice-cream on the side?"

"Yoghurt," he said softly.

"But that wasn't even the worst, was it?" I laughed even harder at the thought of the worst meal Renee had ever cooked. Charlie's mouth twitched, and he moved his head down to concentrate on his food. I was struck by how odd it all was: normally he'd be laughing at the joke as hard as I was. He must be really tired. I tried to cheer him up by continuing with the story. "Oh no! That prize _has_ to go to the time she made fishfinger and vegetable soup! And the crumbs got everywhere… Actually, that must have been a while ago. A few years at least. Oh, no, wait, I've got it. Wasn't that the night before she walked out on you?"

A tear fell with a plopping sound onto Charlie's half-eaten steak. I was horrified.

"Oh, no, Dad, you're not… _crying_, are you? I'm so sorry! I'm really sorry."

Another tear coursed its way down his cheek.

"I didn't think, Dad. I didn't mean to make you cry!"

Charlie said nothing.

"Can I get you anything?" I said desperately. "You've barely touched your steak."

The silence when I finished talking was deafening.

"Salt? Pepper? Anything?"

Still nothing.

"How about a drink of milk? You like milk, right?"

There was still no answer.

"I'll.. uh… take that as a yes, then, shall I?"

***

_(It's snowing at school.)_

_Mush balls were flying everywhere. I kept a binder in my hands, ready to use it as a shield if necessary. Jessica thought I was hilarious._

"You know, Bella, it's really not that bad. Snowfights are a _lot_ of fun," she assured me as we walked to the cafeteria.

"I don't know, Jess," I murmured. "I just don't like stuff flying everywhere. And then it melts in my socks. Don't you find that just the teensiest bit uncomfortable?"

"Well… I guess so," she acquiesced. "But it's still a heck of a lot of fun!"

I wasn't so sure. "But it's kinda—Oww." Something hit me in the back of the head. I sure hoped it wasn't what I thought it was.

"Heads up, Bella," Jessica told me, a second too late. She scooped up a ball of slush and threw it back at whoever had hit me.

I felt my hair. It was wet. The snow was melting already, trickling down the back of my neck in a really uncomfortable manner. "Oh, gr—Aurgh!"

I broke off with a yell, startled. Another snowball had smashed into my cheekbone. It stung a little. Jess tried not to giggle.

All through the rest of the day, until the snow melted away, though Jessica thought it was the funniest thing she'd ever seen, I waited, tense and on edge, for a third snowball to hit me.

It never came. I shivered, waiting…

* * *

**A note on chapter one: isn't it horrible that Bella never even asks about how Billy is when Charlie tells her he's had an accident? The first time I read that, I was like, woah, did I miss something here?**

**You may have gathered that I'm no longer that impressed with Twilight. Maybe that's why Cullenmania's so hard to finish. But everything will get finished, I swear. (E****ven though by now I should know better than to put any promises in writing. :) )**

**EDIT: I just realised, you might have some problems with reviewing, mainly because due to some miracle, all my old reviews remained after I deleted the chapters. So if you've already reviewed certain chapters, you might have to log out and then come back and review. I know that takes effort, but I'd appreciate it... Not that I'm a review hog, oh, no.**


	2. Phenomenon & Invitations

**3. PHENOMENON**

_(Bella examines her car tyres.)_

_Charlie had gotten up who knows how early to put snow chains on my truck. My throat suddenly constricted. I wasn't used to being taken care of, and Charlie's unspoken concern caught me by surprise._ I blinked back a tear. Another rushed in to take its place. And another. And another.

Though I tried hard to quell the embarrassing display, tears were soon flooding down my cheeks. It was just so _nice_ of him to do that for me. I laid my head on the side of the car and gave myself up to emotion. Charlie'd placed each chain on each tyre, just so, just for me. It was so… so…. Pretty soon, I was bawling shamelessly, heedless of what other people around me might think.

Five minutes later, my weepiness exhausted, I looked up. People were watching me, looking at me strangely. And worst of all, _Edward Cullen was staring at me in horror. _And no wonder. Crying over a snow chains—I'm such a freak.

***  
_(Bella refuses to buy Edward's story when he saves her from the van.)_

"_Will you promise to explain everything later?"_

"Yes." He sounded sincere, but... My curiosity was such that I had to make doubly, even triply sure he was telling the truth.

"Promise?"

"Yes." His voice was questioning my sanity, but I kept going. This was very important to me.

"Double promise?"

"Yes! Bella, will you stop asking me to promise you?" he whispered furiously, unable to raise his voice to a shout as he no doubt wished. "I already said I would!"

But there was one more thing I had to ask him.

"Cross your heart and hope to die?" This seemed to faze him.

"Um…"

"You won't cross your heart and die if you break this promise? I knew it! I knew you weren't to be trusted!" I was outraged. He was silent.

"Fine! Be that way!"

Edward Cullen said nothing for a long, long moment. Finally, he offered, "Pinky promise?"

"_Fine!" I repeated angrily._ But I pinky-promised.

***  
_(Charlie's gotten to the scene of the accident.)_

"_Bella!" he yelled in panic when he recognised me on the stretcher._

"_I'm completely fine Char—Dad," I sighed. "There's nothing wrong with_—"

"Bella." His voice was cold. "Did you just address me by my first name?"

"Um. Yes?" I'd forgotten this side of Charlie. This was the Chief Swan side of him, the one that didn't like the rules to be flouted, and demanded absolute respect. It kicked into gear at the strangest times.

"Isabella Swan. Show some respect. I'm your father, not your friend. You will address me as 'Dad'."

"Sorry," I muttered. This was so embarrassing. It was like the whole school was here. Even if it was only 300 people, that was still a lot. And they were all listening to every word I said.

"Sorry, _what_?" Charlie wasn't going to let me get away with this.

"Sorry, _Dad_." See if I cooked _him_ anything for the next month after I got out of hospital.

**4. INVITATIONS**

_(Bella tells Mike she's not going to the dance)_

"_Why not?" Mike demanded._

"What's it to you?" I retorted. Did he have to be quite so rude about it? Really, what business was it of his? And besides, I wasn't going to tell him the real reason I had decided to avoid the dance. Maybe this would scare him off enough to stop him asking.

But surprisingly, Mike didn't back down quite as quickly as I anticipated.

"Are you sure you're not going?" His eyes again went to Edward. This could not be happening.

"I'm positive," I said, a little annoyed.

"Then why not?"

I took a deep breath. "Haven't we just been through this?"

"Not exactly, no." Mike shifted uncomfortably. Good. He should be uncomfortable. However, he still didn't look like he was going to give up soon.

"Well?" he said.

I sighed. It seemed nothing was going to stop him from pestering me until I told him the real reason.

"I can't dance, Mike."

"Who can?" he grinned.

"No, I mean, I _really_ can't dance." He just wasn't getting it.

"Sure you can't."

"Mike!" I sighed again. "You haven't _seen_ me. I'm all over the place! My arms go one direction, my legs go in another, and I usually end up on my butt. I'm like a hippopotamus on rollerskates! It just doesn't work!"

He still didn't look convinced. I couldn't think of anything else to say to persuade him that my dancing was the last word in unutterably awful, _so I quickly made new plans._

"_I'm going to be in Seattle that Saturday."_

"Sure?"

***  
_(Eric's just asked Bella to the spring dance.)_

"_I thought it was girls' choice," I said, too startled to be diplomatic._

"Wee-ll, about that," said Eric. "There's something I need to tell you."

Ew. I made a face.

"No, it's not like that," said 'Eric', or whatever… her… name was.

This had completely knocked me for six. "Um, so what is it like?"

"Well, you know, the bullying and everything…" Her voice broke. "My real name's Erica."

My mouth dropped open. When I didn't say anything else, Erica continued:

"It was so hard, and eventually Mom said we could move here. By the time we came to Forks, I'd cut my hair really short, and everyone thought I was a boy on the first day, since I never really had any chest to speak of. All the teachers even thought that the 'a' on the end of my name on the roll was just a typo. And I discovered it was a lot easier to get through the day as a boy. When you're a girl, everyone pays you some attention, no matter whether or not you want it. When I became Eric, everybody just ignored me, and that was the way I wanted it."

It was unusual, but I was beginning to feel really sorry for this poor girl. I could see now that her face wasn't quite angular enough, her eyebrows perhaps not quite… right for a boy. Funny. I'd never noticed it before.

"I mean, when I get to college, I can maybe grow my hair, get a boyfriend… Be _normal_. But I can't go to college if I get laughed out of high-school first. You see, I think a couple of people suspect that I'm not who they think I am. Especially since I never shower after gym. Well, I can't, can I? I just go to the toilet stall and change there."

"Oh." That would explain a lot.

"That's why I need your help. If you'd just go to the dance with me, I'm sure no-one would suspect who I really am."

_I recovered my composure and tried to make my smile warm._

"Look, I'd help you, but I'm going to be in Seattle that day."

***  
_(Edward's just admitted that he caused the traffic jam last night.)_

"_That was for Tyler's sake, not mine. I had to give him his chance." He snickered._

"_You…" I gasped. _For a second there, _I couldn't think of a bad enough word_ to call him_._ But not for nothing did I watch an absolute bucketload of British comedy.

"You twat! You unmitigated ponce! How dare you? You're a toffee-nosed malodorous pervert! Your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries, and I've no doubt you ate flies as a baby! You jelly-livered, sausage-nosed, absolutely insufferable nincompoop! I wish you'd just go and get run over by some heavy machinery, or better yet, _eat_ one! You stupid git!"

_It felt like the heat of my anger should physically burn him, but he only seemed more amused._

* * *

**(You know, the more I look over this, the more it seems that Edward does is laugh at Bella all the time. So annoying.)**

**Please review for my younger writer self's sake... **


	3. Blood Type & Scary Stories

**5. BLOOD TYPE**

_(Edward's explaining why he's talking to Bella again)_

"_Yes—giving up trying to be good. I'm just going to do what I want now, and let the chips fall where they may." His smile faded as he explained, and a hard edge crept into his voice._

"Chips? Do you play poker, too?" I said, excited, before I registered his frown. Whoops. "Oh. I guess you must have lost quite a bit in your last game."

He made a non-committal noise in the back of his throat. Sore loser. I knew his type. But I could be sympathetic. At least I was talking to him, and that was more than we had done in weeks.

"How much?" I asked carefully.

Edward cleared his throat. "Quite a lot," he admitted with a rueful smile.

"Vegas?"

"Yeah."

"Oh, man, they hit you for everything you own down there."  
"Yeah. I'm still paying my father back. I was meant to be buying a new car, but…" he chuckled.

"Wow." There didn't seem to be much to say to that. I tried a new topic of conversation. "You know how you said you're giving up trying to be good?"

"Yeah…" His words betrayed very little, but I could tell he was interested.

"Well, I know where we can get some spraypaint from…"

_The breathtaking crooked smile appeared_, and I knew we were going to get along just fine.

***_  
(Bella's just invited Edward to Mike's La Push trip.)_

"_I really don't think I was invited."_

_I sighed. "I just invited you."_

"_Let's you and I not push poor Mike any further this week. We don't want him to snap." His eyes danced; he was enjoying the idea more than he should._

"_Mike-schmike," I muttered_.

"You do realise, that rhymed," said Edward, teasing me.

"Oh, there's plenty more where that one came from," I grinned. "There's Eric-schmeric, and Tyler-schmyler, and Edward-schmedward, too."

He frowned.

"Don't you like my rhymes this time?" I asked, hurt.

"No, I like them. Just not the last one."

"The one about 'rhymes' and 'this time'?" I was confused; I couldn't possibly see how that would offend him.

"No, I meant the 'Edward-schmedward' one. Kinda dismissive, for a… friend."

Was it my imagination, or did he pause for the barest instant before the last word? 'Friend.' Did he… had he been about to say…? Did he want something _more_? I hoped so. But that was something I had to think about later; the subject of my speculation was waiting for me to say something. I coughed.

"Well, Mike-schmike was dismissive, too, and _he's_ a friend."

"True."

When he didn't say anything else, I jumped in with, "Well, there you go. I'm a poet and I didn't even know it!"

He gave me a funny look. I couldn't believe I'd just said what I'd said. What the heck was I on, crack? It was his eyes, dammit.

_We were near the parking lot now._

***_  
(Edward's taking Bella home, and she recognises the music in his car)_

"_Claire de Lune?" I asked, surprised._

"_You know Debussy?" He sounded surprised, too._

"Oh, yeah, we go _wayyy _back," I said. I sounded reasonably confident; hopefully Edward wouldn't detect the fact that I was bluffing. So he liked classical music? So did my mom, and she was especially into the modern stuff. She actually knew quite a few famous composers personally, thanks to a previous job (a classical radio announcer). I was sure she'd mentioned Debussy a few times; she was always playing his stuff on the stereo, at least. So I kinda knew what I was talking about. Hopefully, that would help.

"That's a funny way to put it," was all Edward said. He concentrated on the road.

"You think?" I asked. "He and my mom are real close friends. I know him pretty well, actually. Great guy. Funny jokes. He's getting a bit fat now, really." I giggled. "Don't tell anyone I said that."

"Uh, Bella?" Edward said, in a strangled voice, as he turned a corner.

"Yeah?"

"Debussy's been dead for at least a hundred years." _He stared out into the rain, lost in thought._ I mentally kicked myself. Of course! It hadn't been _Debussy_! It had been _Pavarotti_! I opened my mouth to tell Edward of my mistake, and then decided I'd better shut up for the rest of the trip.

**6. SCARY STORIES**

_(At Mike's beach party, the tall boy's just told Lauren that the Cullens don't come to La Push)_

_I was still turning over the brief comment on the Cullens, and I had a sudden inspiration. It was a stupid plan, but I didn't have any better ideas._ For the next fifteen minutes, I gradually moved away from Jacob (who then turned to another guy and began talking) to become more immersed in the conversation of the guy sitting on the other side of me, whose name I couldn't remember. He seemed about Jacob's age, maybe even younger.

"Hey," I said after a while. I batted my eyelids the way I'd seen the girls on TV do it. He blushed. "Wanna go for a little stroll?"

"Um, sure," the guy said. He got up, and we walked down the beach, away from the campfire.

When we were out of sight of the others, I said, "So the Cullens don't come round here? Are they so vain they're worried you guys will look better than them?"

I could see a hint of red in his cheeks. "I… uh…"

"Cause I think, personally, that you are pretty cute." I giggled.

The guy blushed again. He didn't seem to know where to look. This was turning out pretty well. I gave him a sidelong glance, and continued:

"Yeah, I think any girl'd prefer you to one of the Cullens." This was a blatant lie. "That's gotta be why they don't come here, right? Cause they'd get shown up."

"Uh…"

"_Right?" _Oops. My voice went a little too hard there. I giggled again, hoping he'd forget about _that_ little slipup.

The guy opened his mouth, and then shut it again, obviously lost for words. Shoot. I could see he wasn't going to talk. I'd come on way too strong, too fast. I suggested maybe we should head back to the campfire, and the guy agreed with a monosyllabic, "Yeah." As we turned around, I had a brainwave. Maybe I should try Jacob. I'd have to be a little less forceful, after all, I kind of already _knew _him. When we got back, I sat down next to Jacob again, and got straight to work.

"_Do you want to walk down the beach with me?" I asked._

_***  
(Jacob's finally started dishing the dirt.)_

"_Then there are the stories about the _cold ones_." His voice dropped a little lower._

"Why were they cold?" I asked. He looked at me in surprise.

"D'you know, I never really thought about that. I guess they didn't have central heating or anything."

"Bummer."

"Yeah." We thought about this for a while.

"So, anyway…" Jacob began to tell the story. Just as he reached the part about the cold ones being his tribe's enemies, I had a brainwave.

"They must've had blankets or _something_, right?"

"I have no idea."

"You'd think so, though, wouldn't you?" I said thoughtfully.

He laughed. "You would. Maybe they didn't know how to make fires."

"Or sweaters."

"Yeah, it's not that hard, guys! Knit one, purl two, and so on. It's pretty easy."

It was my turn to look at Jacob in surprise. He turned bright red, and stammered out, "Uh… not that I know all that much about knitting. Knitting's for old ladies."

I didn't want him to clam up completely, and I did feel a bit sorry for him, so I nudged the conversation back to 'the cold ones'.

"So, anyway, you were saying that they're traditionally your enemies…"

Jacob looked relieved. "Uh-huh. _But this pack that came to our territory during my grandfather's time were different."_

As he continued with the story, I was mostly paying attention. But in the back of my mind, I was pondering the fact that Jacob knitted.

Who knew?

* * *

**Ooh, Isabella _Swan_! How manipulative can you get? :)  
**

**Anyways, Bella's misdemeanours aside, hope you're all having a great New Year!**


	4. Nightmare & Port Angeles & bonus rewrite

**Aaaaaaaaaaaaand... we're back! Okay, this is still in the reposts territory, but don't worry, I've Outtaked up to chapter 14 so far. As usual, the italicised bits are SMeyer's, everything else is mine, mine, all _mine_! _Muahahahahaa_-okay I'll stop now.  
**

**

* * *

7. NIGHTMARE**_  
(Mike's come to say hi to Bella before school. They're outside)_

"_I never noticed before—your hair has red in it," he commented, catching between his fingers a strand that was fluttering in the light breeze._

"_Only in the sun_," I said. "But! Did you know in candlelight, you can see gold in it? And you know fluorescent lights? My hair actually goes kinda blue when you look at it in those. You should see it sometime. And those lava lamps—"

"Uh, that's cool, Bella," Mike broke in to my enthusiastic chattering. "But I've actually, uh, gotta go. I've got, um… thing…"

He left. I was a little disappointed. I hadn't gotten to tell him that my hair actually seemed to… oh well.

***_  
(Edward's not at school. It's been sunny. Go figure)_

_I searched the lunchroom in vain._ Edward was nowhere to be found. I couldn't concentrate on the conversation at my table—every five minutes, probably less, I felt the need to turn round and look for him again, as if he would suddenly materialise.

He didn't.

"Hey, Bella? Why do you keep turning around like that?" asked Jessica.

"Oh, it's just a crick in my neck," I lied. I turned around again reflexively. Nope, he still wasn't there.

"I think Bella's looking for the Cullens," smiled Jessica.

"I am not!" My neck moved around of its own accord. Traitor. He wasn't there, of course.

"You are, too."  
"I am _not_!" My head decided it wanted to sneak another look. I forced it back, with some difficulty.

"Sure, sure…"

This was so annoying. I'd be glad when the Cullens got back—at least then I wouldn't look like _this_ much of an idiot. I leaned backwards to check just once more—and, to nobody's surprise, least of all my own, fell out of my seat.

I hate my life sometimes.

* * *

**8. PORT ANGELES**_  
(Edward's just done a 'knight in shining Volvo'.)_

"_Just prattle about something unimportant until I calm down," he clarified, closing his eyes and pinching the bridge of his nose with his thumbs and forefinger._

"_Um." I wracked my brain for something trivial._ It was a little hard, since I was kind of in shock."I can't actually think of anything."

Edward's hands flexed, as though he was trying not to lose control of the steering wheel, and therefore the car.

"I mean, there's gotta be something, right? But I'm having way too hard a time trying to think of something," I babbled.

"Just tell me the thing you think about most," he told me in a tight voice. "And hurry."

Oh, this was easy. "Oh, that's easy. You."

He spun round to look at me. "You _what_?"

I was calm as I told him, "I think about you all the time. Yeah. Your skin and your speed and your _eyes_, oh, yeah, your eyes…"

The same eyes that happened to be bugging right out of his head.

That's when I fainted.

***_  
(Restaurant scene)_

_The waitress was back with two more Cokes. She sat them down without a word this time, and left again._

"Geez," I said. "What's _her_ problem?" My stomach was acting up, and I wished for some antacids or something to calm it down.

Edward shrugged, but there was a knowing look in his eyes. I wondered what he could possibly know. All he said was, "Have some more soda, Bella."

I drank obediently from my glass. I was even thirstier than I'd thought. The sucking sound from the straw suddenly alerted me to the fact that the tall glass was already empty.

Edward pushed his own towards me, and indicated that I should have that, too.

"I don't know," I said cautiously. "I've already had three."

"You need the sugar, Bella."

"O-kay…" I was doubtful, but I pulled the glass closer anyway, and sipped.

"You know, I don't feel so…" I moved my hand to my mouth, but it was too late. I threw up. All over Edward. I was horrified.

"I'm so sorry!" I cried, barely able to look at him as I handed him my napkin. As if that would do much good. He took it, but didn't make another move. I was about to say something meaningless when a call of nature that I couldn't ignore presented itself.

Edward sat there, covered in the stuff, while I, mortified, mumbled, "I'm just going to the… ladies' room." I went. I moved quickly, before I could have another, even more embarrassing, display.

Maybe I should just call a taxi home. That way I wouldn't have to go back to Edward. I shuddered at the thought as I looked at myself in the mirror. What on earth was I going to do?

* * *

**Okay, so back when I posted this the first time, I got a couple of comments that this last one was a really, really outlandish outtake. Like, outlandish, even for me. So I posted a bonus rewrite. This is it.**

* * *

_The waitress was back with two more Cokes. She sat them down without a word this time, and left again._

"Geez," I said. "What's _her_ problem?" My stomach was acting up, and I wished for some antacids or something to calm it down. I covered my mouth with my hand to stifle a (thankfully) silent hiccup.

Edward hadn't noticed. All he said was, "Have some more soda, Bella." I wasn't sure that was a good idea, but I could feel another hiccup coming on, so I tried to take action by quickly downing my glass.

As I drank, I suddenly realised that another hiccup was about to surface. I jerked away from the glass just in time to hiccup.

"Is something wrong, Bella?" Edward was looking at me with concern. How embarrassing.

"I –hic!- think I've got the –hic!- hiccups."

Edward pushed his own towards me, and indicated that I should have that, too.

"I don't know," I said cautiously. "I've already had three."

"You need the sugar, Bella. I don't want you to go into shock. You'll be fine." He said something under his breath that _sounded _like, "I hope," but I couldn't be sure.

"O-hic!-kay…" I was doubtful, but I pulled the glass closer anyway, and sipped.

Suddenly, I realised I couldn't take any more soda.

"You know, I don't feel so…" I moved my hand to my mouth. "I think I'd better… I'll be back…"

I left the table hastily and rushed for the Ladies. I quickly realised, however, that I wasn't going to make it. I ducked outside.

A minute later, I reflected on the experience I'd just gone through. Having a hiccup fit, and then trying to throw up discreetly in the bushes outside the restaurant. This was _not_ my idea of a perfect date. I was reasonably sure it wasn't Edward's idea of one either.

* * *

**So which one do you guys prefer? (Also, new chapters of Cullenmania 2 and Character Death are up, if you'd like to go look at more Twilight humour fics.) Hope you liked,**

**xxx stephanie du jour  
**


	5. Theory & Interrogations

**As always, any section in italics is SMeyer's. I'm just extrapolating. Have fun, my pretties :)

* * *

**

**9. THEORY**

_(Edward is driving Bella home from Port Angeles. They're discussing Bella's theories.)_

"_I'm right?" I gasped._

And then, to my utter disbelief, Edward began to laugh, long and loud.

"Bella, I really had you going there, didn't I?" He was barely able to speak the words, he was laughing so hard.

"You what?"

"Bella," he said, snickering. "I'm not telepathic. I can't follow scents. And most of all, I'm definitely _not_ a vampire. I am completely human."

"You're kidding me." I couldn't believe he'd fooled me so completely. "That wasn't nice, Edward! That was the cruelest thing anybody's ever done to me!"

"Um. Sorry?" He was _still_ chortling away.

"Edward! I can't _believe_ you'd do that to me! I thought we were friends!" Obviously, I'd been wrong.

He shrugged. "April Fool."

Tears were forming in my eyes, and I was working myself up to a real rage, when he dropped his smile and muttered, more to himself than to me, "I'm lying through my teeth."

I stopped. "You're really…?" My eyes narrowed. "Which version do I believe, Edward? What's the truth?"

"I'm sorry. I was trying to protect you. I… I couldn't…"

"You mean- I _am _right?" I gasped, for the second time in as many minutes.

"_Does it_ matter_?"_

"_Not really." I paused. "But I _am _curious." My voice, at least, was composed. _It might take the rest of me a while to sort out my convoluted thinking patterns. I began by asking again if he was for real.

"You are serious, right?"

"Yes." He hung his head.

"Serious?"

"Yes." Okay. He had me convinced—he looked like he meant it. But one thing was seriously bothering me.

"Then why play an April Fool's joke on me?"

This was the worst head game I'd ever had to endure. Even though he was fascinating, I just didn't get the twisted mind of Edward Cullen. It wasn't even _April_, for crying out loud!

"There's such a thing as overusing a joke, you know!" I said to him, annoyed. Did he have no respect for tradition? I was going to have to rethink my opinions of this strange, strange vampire.

***  
_(And here comes that famous…ish quote)_

_About three things I was absolutely positive. First, Edward was a vampire._ Unless he was, for some insane reason, lying. _Second, there was a part of him—and I didn't know how potent that part might be—that thirsted for my blood._ Again, unless he was lying. _And third, I was unconditionally and irrevocably in love with him._ Unless it was just a teenage crush. Like, you know, how you think you're in love with them, but it's really just infatuation You know, when they're like really, really, _really _cute and you just want to stare at them forever…

Moving on. And fourth, I wasn't sure if there was any lasagne left in the fridge. I had no idea _what _we were having for tea.

Oh, and fifth, I was also certain that I had a paper on Wuthering Heights due sometime in the next three days, and I hadn't even started on it. I sighed. You never can get away from life for long, can you?

* * *

**10. INTERROGATIONS**

_(Okay, so in this chapter, it's a little different. The next couple of outtakes actually make up a kind of running plotline. When we now catch up with them, Bella accepts Edward's offer of a ride to school—and the loan of his jacket.)_

_I pulled the jacket onto my lap, pushing my arms through the too-long sleeves, curious to see if the scent could possibly be as good as I remembered. It was better._

I couldn't actually decide what the smell reminded me of. I inhaled deeply through my nose, forgetting Edward's presence. What, exactly, was it?

"Bella?"

"Hmm?" I asked, slightly distracted. I inhaled again. It was like lilacs, maybe. It was a very 'happy' smell, in a way.

"You…" he gestured helplessly toward the jacket.

"Oh!" I realised he'd noticed my furtive sniffs. I thought quickly. "I have a bit of a cold."

"Maybe I should take the jacket back," said Edward, looking slightly—was he?—embarrassed? "I don't want you to have to worry about getting…anything… on it."

"No!" I said sharply. Edward looked at me curiously. "I mean, no. I'm fine. I'm warmer this way." I giggled, which was unlike me. Edward looked at the road again, though he kept sneaking glances at me. So the next time I inhaled, I tried to do it more surreptitiously. It worked—he didn't seem to notice.

The scent clinging to Edward's jacket was nothing short of divine. It made me feel… calmed for a while at least, but then strangely excited. As we drove, I kept sniffing it, blaming the sound I made on the same non-existent cold, while trying to place the exact flavour, that lingered on the lapels, and, indeed, Edward himself.

A couple of strange giggles emitted from my mouth as I realised: whatever it was, this flavour was gorgeous. And so was he.

We talked for a while, but conversation soon petered out. We drove in silence the rest of the way to school. I was fine with that—it gave me more chance to inhale Edward's scent.

All too soon, we were there. Edward parked the car and we got out. I was, by this time very attached to the jacket, and a little shaky on my feet. He made no move to take it away from me. Even when Jessica approached me, holding out my own jacket, I merely took it from her and held it over one arm. There was no way I was going to stop myself from getting to smell this unbelievable scent.

"Thanks," I said to her. She surveyed me with confused eyes, which widened when she took in Edward, who was standing less than half a metre away from me. Meanwhile, I took another quick whiff. Man, it was good! It was so great you could almost get hooked on it…

***  
_(By this stage, Edward's walked Bella to class. He's dazzled her dizzy, and, combined with The Jacket, it's had a bit more of an effect on her mental state than in the book…)_

_I hurried into class, flushed_ with exhilaration and barely able to think straight. Of course, as I quickly walked up the aisle to my usual place, I immediately tripped over my own feet and fell into my seat. Mike, who occupied the next seat over, greeted me. I replied, but I was barely paying attention. We lapsed into silence as _Mr. Mason called the class to order, asking us to turn in our papers._ I took another secret whiff of the jacket. It was so good, and so lovely…

Focused entirely on Edward's jacket, for me, _English and then Government passed in a blur._ I was in an especially good (though even more jittery) mood by the time I got to Trig, and barely worrying about what to say to Jessica. After all, who cared what Edward thought about what _I _thought of him? Everything would be alright. I was shakily walking on air as I dropped my bag and sank into a seat next to Jessica, a blissful smile on my face.

"_Tell me everything!" she commanded before I was _fully settled in the seat.

"Oh, where do I begin?" I almost squealed. Mr. Varner shot a frown at me.

"Sorry," I said automatically, but I was unrepentant.

"Did he kiss you?" she demanded in a whisper.

I sighed. "No, but I _wish_." I shifted in my seat to allow the scent of Edward's jacket a clear path to float upward to my nose. I inhaled again.

"How did you meet up? What happened?"

Aided by the warm glow that came every time I smelt his jacket, the words came out in a rush. "Well, I almost got raped and then Edward turned up and he saved me and then we ate—well, I ate, anyway, but he didn't cause he's a vampire—he told me that later, you know—oh, but he doesn't drink _human_ blood, so don't worry—and he told me he could read everyone's mind except mine, unlike the rest of his family, who can't—oh, yeah, they're vampires, too! Weird, huh?—and then he drove me home and he's so _cute_!"

As I spoke, Jessica's mouth opened wider and wider in shock, and her cheeks gradually turned a deep, dull red; I had no idea why. When I'd finished, I was about to joke that she should close her mouth or a fly could get in, when I realised what I'd done: I'd blown his cover in a matter of seconds. Oops.

Oh well. What's done is done. I realised I'd better enjoy the jacket while I could. Edward would probably want it back soon.

The rest of the lesson went completely over my head, as I inhaled more and more often, and got even more jittery than before…

***  
_(Okay, that plotline ends, now. Bella is sitting with Edward at lunch.)_

"_I'm curious," I said as I picked up an apple, turning it around in my hands, "what would you do if someone dared you to eat food?"_

"_You're always curious." He grimaced, shaking his head. He glared at me, holding my eyes as he lifted the slice of pizza off the tray, and deliberately bit off a mouthful, chewed quickly, and then swallowed. I watched, eyes wide._

"_If someone dared you to eat dirt, you could, c—_ack!" I looked on in astonishment as Edward broke his gaze and began to cough brokenly, bracing himself against the table until it threatened to crack. He evidently realised that it was about to do so, because he dropped his arms into his lap, still coughing. I made no move to assist, not sure if he would appreciate my help_._ Could vampires die by asphyxiation?

"Help… me!" he wheezed between spasms. I immediately stood up; my seat tilted and then fell over with a crash, drawing the attention of everyone in the cafeteria. I barely noticed their curious looks in my haste to make it to his side; once I got there, I realised I had no idea what I could do to help.

"Are you dying?" I asked desperately, ignoring the outright stares we were being given.

He shook his head, still overcome.

"Edward?"

In response, he began to cough more violently than ever. Eventually he was shaking so hard that he fell out of his seat and onto the tiled floor of the cafeteria with a thud; I could see faint cracks appear in the tiles. Anyone who hadn't been looking at us before certainly was, _now_.

"Can I do anything, Edward?" I knew, however, that I was helpless.

"Get… it… out…" he spluttered, rolling around on the floor, further towards the end of the room and right out of anyone's sight.

I couldn't be sure if he was ordering me to do something, or just trying to encourage himself. But whatever the case, I had to save him from any more pain. I knelt down beside him and pulled back my hand, ready to slap him. However, just at that moment, he coughed particularly loudly, and bucked, catching me in the shoulder. I was suddenly aware of a popping sound, and then a burst of pain, in that very area. I tried not to cry out, though a moan escaped my lips.

I heard titters from several directions, and suddenly realised that we were now at the very edge of the cafeteria- hidden from everyone's gaze, and coupled with the moan, surely they would think that we were…

Embarrassed, I thought quickly. Using my hand to slap him was out. My shoulder hurt too much, and besides, I was too weak. But maybe I could _kick _him… I jumped up, ignoring the twinges coming from my shoulder, and prepared to kick him, _hard_. Edward suddenly turned his head, saw what I was about to do, and coughed out, "No! Bella, don't!"

But it was too late. My foot, with a mind of its own, connected solidly with his back.

Two things happened then, one straight after the other.

First, the gob of pizza, chewed up beyond recognition, erupted from Edward's mouth with a force that could have rivaled the explosion of Pompeii.

And second, I was suddenly aware of a terrible pain in my foot. "Oh, Bella, I'm really sorry!" Edward, suddenly standing beside me, was distraught.

I barely noticed him. Having successfully tuned the pain out for one brief second, I noticed that the pizza was still in the air, heading in a powerful arc all the way over to the other side of the lunchroom. It looked like it was heading straight for—

"Oh no."

Edward, by now completely recovered, smirked.

It hit Mike Newton smack in the middle of his forehead.

* * *

**So we're still in repost territory, but after the next chapter, we'll be back into original outtakes. Reviews are always luverly :)  
**

** Tune in next time to see Jacob juggle, and if from now on you get an email in your inbox with an alert for an author called 'pianissimotion', that will be me. I'm changing my username for the last. ever. time. Promise.  
**


	6. Complications & Balancing

**And I return for a sequence of some of my favourite outtakes so far. With this chapter, I've finally caught up with all those reposts from when I half-deleted this fic, and next chapter we will have fresh meat, my pretties, yes we will!  
**

**Apologies for the above vulture!Gollum-ness; I'm just a little excited.

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**

**11. COMPLICATIONS**

_(Bella and Edward watch the video in Biology.)_

_And then, as the room went black, I was suddenly hyper-aware that Edward was sitting less than an inch from me. I was stunned by the unexpected electricity that flowed through me, amazed that it was possible to be _more _aware of him than I already was._ But the charge kept itself up, seemingly drawing me closer and closer…

What the? My chair _was_ pulling itself closer to Edward, all by itself! I hastily pulled it back to where it was before, shaking my head. It couldn't have been. It had to have been me. Before this could get too embarrassing, I dragged my chair over a little more, and gripped the edge of the table, trying to ignore Edward. Some hopes.

As the TV flickered to life, _my eyes, of their own accord, flickered to him. _He was sitting in the exact same position I was, chair tilted slightly away, gripping the edge of the desk, covertly looking at me, too. Did he feel the same thing I did? We grinned uneasily at each other, and, embarrassed, turned away again.

At least, I did. Because the next thing I knew, his chair had catapulted across the small distance between us and slammed into mine, making a terrific noise. Everyone turned to look at the same time that I realised that our skin was touching. I shivered. And in the next half a second, I realised that something, not electicity, but something else, was surging through me, _fusing_ me to Edward. I felt… powerful… cold… strong…

And thirsty.

I couldn't figure it out for one brief moment, because I was sure I was thirsty for water. But no. Coke? Juice? I couldn't figure it out. Because a dull, dry ache in my throat demanded something wet and hot and fragrant. Cocoa? I felt a surge of distaste.

Almost a full second had passed, when I realised: blood. I was thirsty for blood. And the smell in the classroom was absolutely _wonderful_.

I stood up in a blur of motion, lithe and ready to strike. Edward realised what I was going to do, and stood up as fast as he could, almost at the same instant I did.

"No, Bella! No!" he shouted as he made to step closer, presumably to stop me. Unluckily he tripped over the leg of his chair and fell down with a thud, twisted and tangled in his own limbs. I ignored him, focusing instead on the startled faces and absolutely _delicious_ scents before me.

Blood… I wanted blood…

.-.-.-.  
_(Bella's in gym)_

_Mercifully, some vestiges of Mike's chivalry still survived; he came to stand beside me._

"_Do you want to be a team?"_

"_Thanks, Mike—you don't have to do this, you know." I grimaced apologetically._

"_Don't worry, I'll keep out of your way." He grinned._ I shouldered my tennis racquet and hoped he wouldn't regret this.

Five minutes in, I had managed to deal several, regrettably hard, blows to his right shoulder, and two to his right knee. Mike was limping, and his backhand was noticeably weaker than when we had begun—not that I was any judge. I hadn't hit the ball once.

"Sorry, Mike!" I called helplessly. And we still had ten minutes to go. Mike nodded and winced, clasping his shoulder.

"Sorry," I said again, wincing for him.

"Let's just get this over with," he said, almost roughly. I couldn't really blame him.

So we played. We were up 30-15 when one of our opponents, taking advantage of the fact that I was the weakest link in this partnership, lobbed the ball high over the net—right near where I was standing, at the back of the court. I stared up at it. I might actually have a shot at hitting this one!

Mike, who was, by now, used to playing our game all by himself, ran for the ball, his racquet outstretched, just as I pulled back to swing my own.

Meanwhile, the ball was falling. I swung and missed. Mike swung and connected—with my head. I fell.

"Sorry, Bella!" he shouted, twisting around to look at me apologetically. His racquet followed. His racquet followed. While it didn't hit me, it did hit the tennis ball—which slammed into me. Hard.

"30-all!" called Coach Clapp.

"Sorry Bella!" Mike said again, swinging wildly for the ball, regardless of Coach Clapp's judgement. He hit me twice in painfully quick succession, each time apologising profusely. As the bruises rose, I was beginning to suspect that he wasn't really that sorry at all. My suspicions were confirmed when he hit me again, even though the ball was completely off the court.

"Oh, did I hit you? _Sorry_, Bella!" he shouted, panting hard. He hit me again, hard enough to hurt. I yelled in pain. My other Mike-inflicted injuries were beginning to throb.

"Mike?" Coach Clapp and I shouted together. He ignored the both of us, and hit me again and again, a grin on his face.

"Mike, what are you doing?" I screamed. He was _hurting_ me!

"Oh, does it _hurt_, Bella?" he panted, smiling strangely. His next blow to my bruised and battered head drew blood. I could barely take the pain anymore. And then, as he swung back for the next blow, he began to laugh, wildly, madly. I was terrified.

"MIKE!" Coach Clapp was running over to restrain him, but it was too late. The final blow came down, and everything went black…

So much for chivalry.

* * *

**12. BALANCING**  
_(Billy and Jacob have come over. Bella's in the kitchen making toasted sandwiches. Jacob joins her.)_

"_Jacob, could you hand me some plates? They're in the cupboard over the sink."_

"_Sure."_

He reached straight over my head and took out four plates. I sighed dramatically as I flipped the sandwiches over.

"What?" he wanted to know as he handed them to me.

"It's just that you're so much taller than me," I explained. "You've gotta be at least seven feet by now, am I right?"

He grinned. "Actually, I'm—"

I held a hand out to cut him off, and joked, "Please. I don't want to know! It's so unfair!"

For some reason, that struck us both as incredibly funny. We started laughing, and just couldn't stop. It was that kind of day.

"Hey," Jacob said a few minutes later, when we were gasping for breath.

"Yeah?"

"You know what else is unfair?"

"Yeah…?" I wasn't sure where this was going. If he was going to mention the beach…

But my fears were laid to rest when he said, "I can juggle." He knew this was one thing I couldn't do- my clumsiness would definitely not allow it.

"Um. Great for you, Jacob?" I clapped really slowly, emphasising that I wasn't exactly what you'd call impressed.

He wasn't downcast, however. "Watch this!" he said, and reached for two of the plates that I had set down on the counter, ready for the sandwiches.

"Jacob, no; they're breakable!" But I was too late. Jacob Black set both plates spinning: one on his right fingertip, and the other on his head. I looked down and cringed, waiting for the crash that I was expecting very soon. But, to my surprise, it never came.

"Bella, watch." I obeyed him. Somehow, he simultaneously managed to slip the one plate off his head, throw it, and the other plate into the air, and add a third one to the mix. Now he was juggling. And he hadn't dropped anything so far. I loosened up a little.

"Hey, Jake, that's pretty good!" I said. "Can you do anything else?"

"Sure," he said. "Watch this!" Quick as lightning, he grabbed a fourth plate and tossed it up.

I stepped back to the other side of our medium-sized kitchen to give him some room, and bumped against the fruit bowl. This gave me an idea.

"Hey, can you take an orange, too?"

"Sure!" he laughed. I threw one across the room. He caught it with ease, and started what looked like a complicated routine. I felt a twinge of envy.

"You kids having fun in there?" called Charlie from the front room.

"Yeah!" Jacob called at the same time as I did. We started laughing again. Amazingly, he still hadn't dropped anything.

"Where did you learn to do this?" I wanted to know.

"Down on the rez, we have summer programs. I learnt to do this last year." He grinned. "Pass me another one."

"Okay." Another orange flew over to join the party.

"Apple!" I, obligingly, threw one over.

"Orange! Apple! Orange! Orange!" I threw as he dictated. Some of my throws (well, okay, all of them) were a little wild, but he always managed to catch the fruit without missing a beat. I couldn't tell how many things he had in the air now—all I knew was that he was juggling incredibly well, and incredibly _fast_.

I guess we'd been having so much fun that we forgot about the sandwiches. That is, until Jacob sniffed the air. "Is something burning?" The objects flew in a blur around his head.

"The sandwiches!" I cried. About to dart forward, I suddenly realised that there was no way I could get to them without going through Jacob. Oh no.

I tried to remain calm as I asked, "Hey, Jake, do you think you're able to move?"

"I don't actually think I can," he said, looking worried. "I might hit something."

"Oh, great." There was smoke in the air now, and the smell was worsening.

I coughed. "Can you stop juggling?"

A plate wobbled, and it was a second or two before Jacob could speak again. "Umm… I don't think so." He looked sheepishly at me, still juggling.

After that, there didn't seem to be too much else to say. We stood there, Jacob juggling, staring at the blackening sandwiches.

Suddenly Charlie appeared in the doorway, looking puzzled.

"Bella, what's that smell?"

"Aurggh!" Jacob jumped and let out a yell you could have heard halfway to Seattle, dropping every single thing in the process. Plates and fruit rained down with a crash. I tried to avoid the worst of the debris.

As I rushed to turn the grill off, Billy wheeled to the doorway and surveyed the scene before him with a grim eye.

I had a feeling Jacob wasn't going to be attending any more La Push summer programs.

.-.-.-.  
_(Bella meets Alice)_

"_Hello, Bella." Her brilliant obsidian eyes were unreadable, but her face was friendly. "It's nice to finally meet you."_

_Edward flashed a dark look at her._

"Finally?" I asked, mystified.

"Oh, yeah!" her face suddenly warmed. "He's always moody when the sun's out and he can't see you, and he talks about you _all_ the time. It's all he does. And then at night—"

Edward coughed. "Yes, well, I'll meet you at the car, Alice." She took the hint, and _left without another word._ I considered the past ten seconds. A warm glow wanted to rise up inside of me: he was as in love with me as I was with him! But something still confused me.

"What was that about at night?" I asked him as we watched her walked away.

He looked uncomfortable, for some reason. "Oh, nothing."

* * *

**Hope you enjoyed it! Please review, it's nice to know what you think! And tune in next time for the in/famous meadow scene. I can only hope I do it justice...  
**


	7. Confessions & Mind Over Matter

**13. CONFESSIONS**  
_(Yes, dear reader, it is The Scene: Edward has just stepped out into the sun. Hope you guys deem it done justice. In a parody type of way, of course.)_

_Edward in the sun was shocking. I couldn't get used to it, though I'd been staring at him all afternoon._

"Wow." I stared at him, openmouthed and squinty-eyed. The light refracted from his skin as though he were pure crystal, making it difficult to see. It must have looked as though I had narrowed my eyes for entirely different reasons, however, as he suddenly looked defiant.

"What? I can sparkle if I want."

"I never said you couldn't," I reassured him, trying not to look directly at him; the light was hurting my eyes. "But can't you turn it off?"

"No. No, Bella, I can't." Edward suddenly looked like he wanted to cry.

"Edward?"

"Just…" he waved a hand at me, not wanting me to come closer. "I just…"

"Edward?" I was bewildered and hurt.

"_This is the skin of a killer_, Bella," he said hollowly, turning towards me. His breath blew in my face and as it hit me, my heart skipped a beat. He heard it—he heard everything—and smiled bitterly.

"You see? _I'm the world's best predator, aren't I? Everything about me invites you in—my voice, my fave, even my _smell._ As if I need any of that!"_ All of a sudden, he jumped back into the shade, where I could see him clearer.

"Um, Edward?"

"Yes?" He was breathing hard; in the gloom I could see that his muscles were tense.

"Actually, your breath smells terrible."

He turned to face me, slackjawed, every trace of his bitterness erased.

"What?" The word sent a stream of air toward me, and I winced.

"Please, don't do that," I coughed. The smell was like nothing I'd ever experienced before. You couldn't compare it to rotten fish, or stewed cabbage, or the smell of a garbage heap—there were just no words for it.

"I'm sorry," he replied, quickly and quietly. "I must have forgotten to brush this morning."

No matter how handsome, no matter what species, no matter what era he's from, the guy inside always wins out, doesn't he?

.-.-.-.  
_(As you were.)_

_Unexpectedly, he was on his feet, bounding away, instantly out of sight, only to appear beneath the same tree as before, having circled the meadow in half a second._

"_As if you could outrun me," he laughed bitterly_, and, taking one step, promptly fell over.

"Edward!"

"I'm… alright…" came a fuzzy moan from somewhere in the long grass.

"Are you sure?"

"Sure, I'm _…oof!..._ sure!"

"You don't sound so good!" I ran to find him. Unfortunately, I tripped over something hidden in the grass, and I fell. "Ow!"

"Bella!" I heard a rustling in the grass as Edward, presumably, stood up. "Are you okay? Where are you?" I heard a footstep, and then a heavy thud. He had fallen over again.

I propped myself up on my forearms and began to get up. "What's wrong with you, today, Edward?"

"My head…" I was so shocked I fell over again. My top (new, from Seattle) was now covered in grass stains. Great. But I had more important things to worry about.

"What?" Vampires didn't get headaches, did they?

"I'm so… dizzy…"

I sighed in relief, and got up, properly, this time. "Oh, Edward, you've just run round the meadow too fast, that's all. The blo—ah, it's just gone to your head."

"But I feel so... so… I don't know…"

I walked over to the tree where he'd last been standing.

"Edward?" I called.

"Down here."

After finding him, I knelt down, and gazed into his eyes. "So… what?"

He sighed happily. "I think I know what's wrong with me."

"Yes?"

"I'm in love."

I frowned. It was sweet of him, but I was worried for him. "No, I don't think that's it."

He looked hurt. "No, really. I'm fine."

"Sure you are. Now let's get you home to bed. Alice'll know what to do with you."

"But, Bella!"

"Sssh, Edward. It's going to be okay."

"Bella, I love you!"

I sighed. If only he had said that _before_ he'd turned delusional…

* * *

**14. MIND OVER MATTER**  
_(Edward's driving Bella home.)_

_He looked into the sun—the light of the setting orb glittered off his skin in ruby tinged sparkles—and spoke._

"_I was born in Chicago in_—"

"Hang on, wait a second," I said. He stared at me. I blushed. "Um… sorry for interrupting? But anyway, I was just wondering about the sparkles. They're red right now."

"Yes, they change with the light, as long as the source is natural."

"Okay."

Suddenly, I had the most brilliant idea. My face twitched into a grin. "Can we just stop at a newsagent? There's something I want to get before we get home." _And before the sun goes down_, I silently added.

"Sure," he said, looking at me curiously. "As long as I can get a parking space out of the sun."

Well, I might completely wreck our relationship, but as long as I got to see this one thing, that would be all right with me.

"Sure thing," I agreed.

We pulled into the newsagent parking lot (thankfully, it was shaded by a two-storey building behind it), and I rushed into the store.

Just as quickly, I skidded around and rushed out again.

"What is it? What's wrong?" he asked quickly, no doubt wondering if I was hurt.

"Can I borrow a couple of dollars?" I asked sheepishly.

Bemused, he fished around in his pocket, and finally came up with a five-dollar note. I snatched it off him, shouting a 'Thanks' as I ran to the building. I had to be quick, or it would be too dark for anything…

Two minutes later, I was racing back towards the car, a paper bag in hand. The sun was still quite bright. Good, I had time.

I jumped into the car and slammed the door. Urgency made me brave. "Quick, is there someplace else you know where nobody can see us, but we can see the sun? It doesn't have to be as nice as the meadow."

"Ye-esss… Bella, what's going on?"

"You'll see." He looked slightly surprised, and not a little annoyed at not knowing anything for once, but he'd have to live with that. He began driving, presumably to the sunny space. Very shortly, we arrived back in the woods at a rough clearing. The sun was high enough, but waning.

"Quick, get out!" I said, almost falling out of the car in my haste to begin.

"What?" he said, suddenly beside me, bright sparkles bouncing off his skin. Good—they were still there. "Bella, what's wrong?"

Normally, the concern in his voice would have made me shiver, but for once I was too keyed up to be shy. "Stay… _there_." I positioned him for the best possible angle, and then looked up at the sky. We still had time.

"Bella, what is going on?" He sounded amused rather than annoyed. I took that as a good sign, and brought out the paper bag from behind my back.

"Bella?" His tone verged on the concerned. Oh well. I'd put him out of his misery soon enough.

I pretended to toot an invisible trumpet. "Ladies and Gentlemen, meet Edward Cullen, the human disco ball!" With a flourish, I thrust the coloured Cellophane up to his skin. Purple sparkles flashed around the clearing. I was mesmerised.

Edward rolled his eyes. "I'm a vampire, Bella."

"Whatever," I said absentmindedly. The sparkles were just as awesome either way. And they were so, so pretty…

.-.-.-.  
_(Bella's had a quick shower to convince Charlie that she's not sneaking out. She and Edward are now in her room. They've been talking for a while.)_

_He seemed to deliberate for a moment. "I'm curious now, though," he said, his voice light again. "Have you ever… ?" He trailed off suggestively._

_"Of course not." I flushed. "I told you I've never felt like this about anyone before, not even close."_

_"I know. It's just that I know other people's thoughts. I know love and lust don't always keep the same company."_

My red face deepened in hue. "Well, when you put it like that… I guess you could say there've been a couple."

"A couple?" he probed.

"Well—maybe more than that," I said, trying to herd him off the subject.

"More?"

"I just said that, didn't I?" When he made no answer and just _looked_ at me, I yawned. "Oh, it must be so late by now. I'm feeling really, really tired. Well, I guess that's question time over." I yawned again and rolled over, facing away from him. Phew! What a close one that was!

But I had no such luck.

"Bella, you're not getting out of this one that easy," he said. I could feel his disproval. I tried another tack.

"Really? How much will it take?" So… I kind of admitted to guilt here, but that was the way it was.

All he said was: "Tickle?"

Ah. Well. Maybe it didn't _have_ to be the way it was. In fact, I'd rather it wasn't. Perhaps I'd better bare all rather than brave Edward Cullen in a tickle fight. I could just imagine those strong, white, pincer-like fingers digging into me and not relenting—it wasn't as though I could slap him away. So I took a deep breath. "Well, okay. There was this one guy who was really cute. He looked almost like your brother Jasper, but he was cuter..."

Seeing Edward shut his eyes, I asked, "Do you not want to hear this?"

"No, it's okay," he said, eyes still shut.

Okay then. "Yeah, he was really hot. My friends and I used to watch him and _his_ friends go surfing and stuff, and _they_ were all really hot as well. They were pretty much shirtless all the time, so that's about… five guys? Yeah, anyway. Never made a move on any of them…"  
Edward sighed in what might have been relief, but I was too caught up in gossip to pay much attention.

"…But a bunch of them did on me! Not all at one time, of course," I hastened to reassure him, "but, you know, I'd go out with one guy, and then, two weeks later, we'd get a bit bored, and so he'd go out with one of my friends, and I'd go out with one of his friends, and then _we'd_ get bored, and the whole thing would begin again. Gosh, it seems so long ago now…" There was a splintering noise. I looked down.

"Edward, you're breaking my bedside table."

There was no answer, but the pressure of his fingers released a tiny little bit.

"I _did_ ask if you didn't want to hear it."

Still no answer.

"So, anyway, where was I? Oh, yeah, that was every summer when my friends and I all went to the beach. When we got _back_ to Phoenix, there were a whole _different_ bunch of guys—Edward, you don't look so good. I mean, you're pale, you always look like the living death, but you look even worse now. Sure you don't want something? I bet we could go hunt the neighbour's cat or something if you're that desperate…"

.-.-.-.  
_(It's a little after that conversation, and Bella and Edward are still in her room)_

_I yawned involuntarily._

"_I've answered your questions, now you should sleep," he insisted._

"_I'm not sure if I can."_

"_Do you want me to leave?"_

"_No!" I said too loudly._

Oh no. I'd been far too loud-Charlie would hear it, and come to investigate. There was no way he'd stay in bed.

Sure enough: "Bella?" came the dreaded call from Charlie's room.

"Ohhhhh _shoot!_" I whispered, now wide awake and completely furious with myself. I made a move to get up, but a muscle in my back seized up and I had to lie flat on the bed again.

"Damn back," I groaned. I'd been okay in dry Arizona, but the humidity in Forks was beyond belief.

"Bella?" called Charlie again. He sounded very sleepy, but closer. I was suddenly aware that, instead of hiding, Edward was still sitting on the bed right next to me.

"Get _down_, Edward!" I hissed. He didn't seem to hear. "Why aren't you moving?"

He said nothing.

"_What?_"

"I can't actually move."

"Bells, are you okay?" Yep, Charlie was definitely closer than before.

"Why?—Uhh... yeah, dad. I'm f-fine."

Edward leaned over to whisper in my ear. "I'm stuck."

"You sound strange." Charlie was at my door now.

"I'm fine!" I did sound strange. Why? Because I was panicking. Any second now, he'd open the door, and—

-and the long and the short of it was, I didn't want to think about what came next.

"How can you be stuck?" I demanded.

"My hand's caught…between the mattress and the bedframe. You're sitting on it. It's too far in. I can't move it without breaking something."

"What the—how did you get it down there?"

"I was trying to tilt the mattress so it was more comfortable for your back."

"Aww! That's so sweet of you!" I said, touched in spite of the danger we were in.

He didn't know what to say to that. Instead, he tried to shift me up without making too much of a noise. Too bad my bed was a creaky old antique thing that hadn't been replaced for twelve years.

"Are you sure?" Charlie called, alerted by all the wooden groaning issuing from my room. He tapped on the door.

"Yeah, it was just a nightmare!" I yelled back, and grimaced. That was the sort of thing that was calculated to bring Charlie and his newly-found parental instincts right in.

"Okay." I tried to take deep breaths. "I'll just get out of bed, you can move your hand, and that'll be that."

Unfortunately, when I tried to move, something in my back froze up. "Aurgh…."

"Are you okay?"

"Well... put it this way. I can't move." While he took this new development in, I continued, "Can't you just pull your hand out quickly? The less time you take, the less pain, right?"

"If you want me to break the bed and make a colossal noise, then yes," he hissed back.

"Bella, are you sure?" Charlie again.

"Yes!" Now I sounded really panicked. That was all I needed. Evidently, Charlie noticed it, because he said:

"I'm breaking the door down!"

Oh no. Oh no, oh no, oh no. Edward's eyes were as wide as I imagined mine to be. tugged his hand, less cautiously this time. But he still had to be careful of my fragile frame. Not for the first time did I wish I was as strong as he.

There was a thud against my door. "One…"

Still no improvement.

Another thud. The lock was giving. I was panicking. "Two…"

"Sorry, Bella," he whispered, gazing into my eyes. And then, before my dazzled brain could figure out what had happened, he was gone, my back was hurting even more, and my bed was wobbling dangerously.

"Three!"

With a long, drawn-out splintering noise, and a horrible groan, the bedframe collapsed and I landed flat on my behind with a yell. Just as Charlie forced the door off its hinges. His eyes were wide as he took in the scene before him.

"Isabella Swan! WHAT is going on here?"

We stared at each other for a long, long moment, me amid the shattered fragments of what used to be my bed, Charlie amid the shattered fragments of what used to be my door.

"Some termites you get in Forks, huh?"

* * *

**I've taken to replaying songs over and over again on Youtube and then moving onto the next one. My latest: 'Steal My Sunshine' by Len. Anybody else remember that one? Total proof that pop didn't have to be soulless.**

**Then again the last song I did that with was Crazy Town's 'Butterfly', so I guess you're free to question my judgement. By the way, reviews are nice...  
**


	8. The Cullens & Carlisle

**Happy New Year, everybody! Hope you had a great holiday!**

**

* * *

**

15. THE CULLENS

_(Bella's woken up and Edward's still there. She asks for a human minute, and is granted one.)_

_I skipped to the bathroom, my emotions unrecognisable. I didn't know myself, inside or out. The face in the mirror was practically a stranger—eyes too bright, hectic spots of red across my cheekbones. _About to dismiss it and get to work on my teeth, I was suddenly pulled up short by how warm my forehead felt. Oh, no. Hypochondriac that I was, I knew what this was likely to be, and it didn't look pretty.

I forced myself to stay calm: Edward could probably tell me for sure, and surely it could wait for a few minutes while I sorted out some hygeine issues. I _did_ smell a little funky round the armpits. But I couldn't wait for long. I'd have to be quick. So, _after I brushed my teeth, I worked to straighten out the tangled chaos that was my hair. I splashed my face with cold water, and tried to breathe normally, with no noticeable success_. An overwhelming sense of panic was beginning to swallow me_. I half-ran back to my room. _This couldn't wait for much longer.

"Edward. I think I have a fever." Without waiting for him to speak, I continued, "Just look at me! Look at my face!"

"It's beautiful," he said, raising his eyebrows. "What's the problem?"

I didn't even hear him. "Worse, I could be in the last stages of consumption. C_onsumption,_ Edward!"

"Consumption?" he smiled. I suppose it _was _odd phrasing.

"Well, they call it that in old books. I read too much, don't I? You know, tubulerculosis or whatever they call it. Why did I call it consumption?" I was babbling now. Babbling with fright or panic. I paced up and down the room with frantic worry.

Edward rolled his eyes. "Bella. I don't think you have TB."

"I really _do_ read too much. See, my mind's going. That's why I didn't call it tubulerculosis, I called it consumption. I'm losing my memory. Can you get that with TB?"

"Bella."

"What's going to go next, after my _brain_? My liver? My _heart_?"

"Bella."

"My lungs'll definitely go, for sure; that's how it always ends. Coughing up blood. Oh no!" A sudden thought had struck me. "I'm going to die! What am I going to tell Charlie? He'll be devastated!"

"Bella!"

"_Devastated,_ I tell you!"

"_Bella!_"

I swung round to face him. "_What?_" I practically yelled. "I'm dying here and all you can do is yell my name? What kind of a boyfriend _are_ you?"

"Bella, I don't think you have TB," he repeated.

"What?" _Could it be true?_ My eyes narrowed suspiciously. "But how can you be sure?"

"I have two medical degrees. Would you trust me on this one, please?"

"And how old are the medical degrees?" I said.

"My last one was finished in… 1977, I believe."

This was absolutely no cause for confidence. "And what else did the seventies give us?" I demanded of him. "I'll answer that for you! Plenty of orange walls and beige shag carpeting, and horrible, _horrible_, vampire novels!"

"No, Bella, _that_ was 2005."

"The list is endless! Nope, I definitely have TB."

Edward effectively ended my rant against the seventies by pressing his very hard, very cold fingers on either side of my face, squishing my cheeks together until I had no doubt whatsoever that I looked uncannily like a fish.

"Bella. You're just over-excited. Go look in the mirror now."

Meekly, like a child, I went over to my dressing-table and looked in the mirror. Edward's cool skin on mine had definitely had an effect. Now I just looked normal.

Ugh.

.-.-.-.  
_(Bella has just gotten dressed, and Edward reckons she looks 'tempting'.)_

_He tilted his head slowly and touched his cool lips to mine for the second time, very carefully, parting them slightly._

_And then I collapsed._

_"Bella?" His voice was alarmed as he caught me and held me up._

_"You… made… me… faint," I accused him dizzily._

"What?" he said.

I didn't answer; my head was spinning far too much for me to do anything but just hang there in his arms.

"What did I do to you?" he said, horrified.

"You didn't notice?" I managed to say.

"_What_?" he said, when I didn't say anything more. "All I did was _this._"

He pressed down hard on the back of my neck, and I collapsed again.

"Stop it," I said hazily. Between dizzy spells, I was getting annoyed now.

"I'm not doing anything," said Edward. He sounded bewildered, but I had no pity for him.

"Yes, you _did_. You did that thing on my neck and I fell!"

"All I did was lay a hand on your neck, like _this,_" he continued self-righteously. I fell over again.

"Oh come on, Bella, I barely touched you!"

From the floor, I said, "Um. Edward?"

"Oh, Bella, I'm so sorry!" He helped me up.

"Barely touched me? That's what you think!" I said. "Jeez, Edward, you've got to be more careful! I am only human."

"You're right," said Edward. "I forgot."

"Oh, great," I said. "So the next time you kiss me, I end up with a few extra bruises to add to my collection. Well, whatever. Just _manhandle_ me. See if I care."

"You know what?" said Edward mournfully. "You're absolutely right, Bella. I'm too dangerous to kiss you."

"Exactly." _Now_ I was getting somewhere.

"Which is why I won't ever kiss you again," were his next shocking words.

"What? No!"

"Yes," he continued sadly. "I'm a hunter. I can't touch you. These are the lips of a killer, Bella."

"Oh, knock it off," I said, annoyed.

"I'm serious," he said. He looked it, too.

"Aw, come on!"

"Nope. I'm never touching you for the rest of my life. It's just not safe."

"Bet you don't last five minutes," I said.

Trying to bait him wasn't working; instead, Edward crossed his arms and refused to look at me.

Five minutes later, I was still standing there, and Edward was still in the same position. Finally, he looked up.

"Now, what were you saying about that bet?" he said, with a roguish grin.

I started to laugh. "You _suck_. _So_ badly!"

"On the contrary, my dear Bella. I bite."

* * *

**16. CARLISLE  
**_(In a shocking change from status quo, Bella and Edward are now in _Edward's_ room.)_

_The western wall was completely covered with shelf after shelf of CDs. His room was better stocked than a music store. In the corner was a sophisticated-looking sound system, the kind I was afraid to touch because I'd be sure to break something..._

_He picked up a remote and turned the stereo on. It was quiet, but the soft jazz number sounded like the band was in the room with us. I went to look at his mind-boggling music collection._

"This… is so… _awesome_!" I gasped. I went straight to go look at his CDs, flicking through each one to see if there were any I recognised.

"_How do you have these organised?" I asked, unable to find any rhyme or reason to the titles. _

_He wasn't paying attention. _

"_Ummm, by year, and then by personal preference within that frame," he said absently. _

_I turned, and he was looking at me with a peculiar expression in his eyes._

"_What?"_

"_I was prepared to feel… relieved. Having you know about everything, not needing to keep secrets from you. But I didn't expect to feel more than that. I _like _it. It makes me… happy."_

"I'm glad, Edward," I said, still flicking through CDs. I was nearing the sixties now.

"No Bella, don't touch that one." He sounded strangely urgent, and suddenly his hands were pulling me away from a CD by Diana Ross and the Supremes.

"Why? What's wrong?" I said, reaching for the CD again. "They can't be _that_ bad…"

"No, just don't," he said, gripping my wrist like steel and moving it back to my side. "You can't."

"Edward, what...?"

"Look, just don't touch it, okay?"

I was at a complete loss to know what was going on. I'd have to be sneaky about finding out.

"Okay, okay," I said, raising my eyebrows and flicking through a few more cds. "I won't touch it."

Edward relaxed. "Good."

Fast as lightning, I reached for the Supremes CD and pulled it out of the shelf.

"Bella, no!"

I checked the cover out. It looked perfectly normal—if you could call sixties music normal. "Edward, I don't see what's so..."

And then I heard a groaning noise from deep within the house. I jumped back, startled. "What's that?"

Edward looked sick. "You know what, Bella, why don't we just go back downstairs; I have another piano piece I'm sure you'd love."

"What?" The groaning noise was still continuing. It was starting to worry me. "Edward, are you sure everything's okay?"

"Really, Bella, don't worry." He began to move me out of the room. We were almost out of sight of the bedroom when the groaning suddenly began to sound a lot nearer. Alarmed, I turned to look, and saw the whole shelf was opening out into the room. Behind them lay a hole that, almost immediately, had steps moving down and out of sight from the opening.

"Edward, what...?" Amazed, I ran to get a closer look at it. Edward tried to bar my way, but failed.

"Bella, please!"

"Edward, what is this?" I asked. I didn't wait for an answer—instead I began the descent down into the dark passage.

"It's nothing, Bella! Listen to me, Please!"

I walked down what felt like three flights of stairs, wondering what was at the end. When I finally got there, I flicked on a switch that was at the bottom of the steps, then stopped and stared as the lights illuminated what seemed to be—but no, it couldn't be. It really couldn't be.

Nevertheless, it was.

"Why did you...?" My jaw had dropped so low I had trouble getting the words out.

"Esme had some time on her hands."

"So she built you a Batcave? What was that you were saying about no more secrets?"

Edward didn't answer.

.-.-.-.  
_(Edward's just pounced on Bella—playfully, don't worry, guys.)_

"_Can we come in?" a soft voice sounded from the hall. _

_I struggled to free myself, but Edward merely readjusted me so that I was somewhat more conventionally seated on his lap. I could see it was Alice, then, and Jasper behind her in the doorway._

"_Go ahead." Edward was still chuckling quietly._

"_It sounded like you were having Bella for lunch, and we came to see if you would share," Alice announced._

"_Sorry, I don't believe I have enough to spare," Edward replied._

I turned on him. "So you _were_ planning to eat me then?" I asked.

"No!" said Edward, genuinely shocked. "I'd never do that!"

Alice said something that sounded like, "That's all _you_ know", but rather than ask her what she _had_ said, I thought I'd better reassure Edward.

"I'm kidding!" I couldn't help but laugh as I said it.

"Oh."

"But getting back to important things: if we _were_ going to eat her, what would she taste like, do you think?" said Alice, with a wink at me.

"Well, if you like freesias..." said Edward.

"Freesias?" said Jasper.

"Or lavender. It's quite..." he glanced at me and grinned. "Mouthwatering."

"I, uh—Edward," I said. "Really, how can you think _plants_ would taste good?"

"I'm a vampire," he said condescendingly, but he was smiling. "My tastes are different from yours."

This didn't exactly cut it. "You drink blood."

Jasper smirked. "She's got a point, Edward."

"Hey, she's _my_ girlfriend, I say she smells good."

"Yeah, like a _plant_, apparently," I interjected. "It's still not exactly food material."

Edward leered at me. "It is to me." Then he winked. I couldn't help but smile back.

"Okay, now, _that's_ just creepy," said Jasper, who'd been watching us. "You've finally got a girlfriend—congratulations on that, by the way—and you're telling her you'd like to eat her face. Real romantic, Edward. Chicks totally dig that sort of thing."

"What am I, a duck?"

Edward totally ignored my comments in favour of going after Jasper. "_Totally dig that sort of thing?_ What are you, from the nineties?"

"Even further back, and you know it! By the way, Bella," said Jasper, turning to me and speaking extremely seriously. "You're not a duck."

"Good of you to clear that up. I wasn't totally sure."

Alice stifled a giggle. She'd been watching us the whole time, and although she'd stopped herself from laughing, there was a wide smile on her face. "Anyway. That's not actually what we came to talk about, _right_, Jasper?"

Jasper nodded, perfectly innocent. "Exactly. Guys, _Alice says there's going to be a real storm tonight, and Emmett wants to play ball. Are you game?"_

* * *

**You know what would've been awesome? To have Twilight be a humourous book about the daily lives of a family of vampires and how Bella has to deal with it when she falls in love with one of them. That was actually one of the main reasons why I liked Twilight so much when I first read it. True story.**


	9. The Game & The Hunt

**17. THE GAME**_  
(Bella and Edward are taking Emmett's huge Jeep halfway to the baseball game. Bella's not looking forward to making the other half of the journey via 'Spider-monkey Express'.*)_

_And then we came to the end of the road; the trees formed green walls on three sides of the Jeep. The rain was a mere drizzle, slowing every second, the sky brighter through the clouds. _

_"Sorry, Bella, we have to go on foot from here."_

_"You know what? I'll just wait here."_

_"What happened to all your courage? You were extraordinary this morning."_

_"I haven't forgotten the last time yet." Could it have been only yesterday?_

_"Hmmm…" he mused. "It seems I'm going to have to tamper with your memory."_

"Oh-ho-ho, tamper with my what now?"

"Your memory," he said innocently.

"Oh, no. No, no way," I said, shaking a finger at him. "I've got my opinion and I'm sticking to it!"

"Oh, well, I'm sure I can change your mind," he said smoothly.

"Were you _always_ this arrogant?" I asked, taken aback by his sheer confidence in his ability to make me do whatever he wanted.

Edward smiled at me. "Only when I discovered I was the best."

I had to laugh at that one—although a little shakily, because the next thing I knew, he had pulled out a gigantic hypodermic needle from the back of his truck and was waving it around in the air. "_This_," he said, as his eyes lit up, "should change your mind."

"Um. Edward. No offence, but I'd rather you didn't do that," I said, hoping he would put the big sharp pointy thing away and let me get back to breathing normally. I wasn't really big on needles.

"Sure? It won't hurt much," said Edward soothingly. "It'll just be enough to relax you."

I began to wonder just what kind of crazy sci-fi movie I was in; and I hoped the director was going to call 'Cut' soon.

Unfortunately, my life wasn't a movie. "Edward, I don't want to be rela—"

One short, sharp jab in my direction and I was out of there, vampire reflexes or no vampire reflexes.

Determined to get the hell away from him, I ran for my life and made it three steps before I tripped over a root and landed flat on my face. Great. I pulled myself up, took one step forward, and came face to face with Edward. I gasped, stumbled backward, and tripped on the same root.

My life? Pointless in terms of trying to get anything constructive done.

"We could do this all day, you know," said Edward. He sounded as though he was trying not to laugh. The vampire was _laughing_ at me. I didn't like that.

"What's so funny?" I asked him, a little warily considering he'd just tried to inject me with something to make me co-operate. I was pretty sure that was illegal. If it wasn't, the government was going to be hearing from me shortly.

Edward knelt beside me. I flinched. He couldn't hold it in any longer, and collapsed on the ground in fits of laughter. That was when I realised what was happening. The needle was a _joke_! Did he have it in his car all this time, just to set up a joke in case I set him up for it? There was something wrong with that.

"You're insane!" I shouted at him, getting up off the ground and managing to storm away for a few paces before I fell over again. This was not my day.

And it only made Edward laugh harder.

"I _hate_ you," I said, seething. "So, so much."

"Sorry," Edward managed to get out whilst still laughing in a ball on the ground.

After a few minutes of this, during which the laughter subsided, I got impatient and walked over to where Edward was trying to get up (and failing) and pushed him over again.

"You suck."

"We've been over this before," he wheezed, grinning all over his face.

"Shut up, then," I said. I walked the next few paces over to the car (mercifully without any accidents this time) and had myself a good sulk. It lasted all of a minute before I realised just how funny the whole situation was and collapsed in laughter too.

It was over ten minutes before either of us had recovered enough to talk properly.

Lying there on the ground beside each other, we stared up at the sky.

"So, how about that piggyback ride?" he asked me eventually.

"Like I said, _no_."

"Oh, come on, Bella!"

"_No_."

He was quiet for a moment; and then: "You are getting sleeeeeeeeepy..."

I shoved him in the side.

"Okay, okay, it was worth a shot."

***_  
(The baseball game is about to begin.)_

"Want to try referee with me?" Esme asked me.

"Sure!" I said. I'd seen baseball games before. It couldn't be too hard, right?

_"All right," Esme called in a clear voice. "Batter up."_ She paused for a second, then added to me,_ "If they don't hit it, it's a strike."_

Alice took up a pose on the pitcher's mound and threw the ball up and down a few times. Then she pulled back her arm, ready to let fly, and swung her arm. Jasper didn't move.

"Steeeeeeeeeeeeeerike!" I yelled straight away in my best voice, just as I'd seen them do on TV.

"Um, Bella?" said Esme, softly.

"Yeah?" I said, wondering what I'd done wrong. She looked sort of sorry for me...

"Alice hasn't actually pitched the ball yet."

I looked over at Alice, confused. She grinned back at me evilly. "Gotcha!"

***  
_(Laurent, James, and Victoria finally enter the scene.)_

_"Stay very still, keep quiet, and don't move from my side, please."_

_Edward hid the stress in his voice well, but I could hear it. He pulled my long hair forward, around my face._

_"That won't help," Alice said softly. "I could smell her across the field."_

_"I know." A hint of frustration colored his tone._

"What's that supposed to mean?" I demanded of the people I had _thought_ were good friends. Apparently not. "Are you saying I... smell?"

"We-ell..."

"Yes," said Rosalie. "Bella, frankly, you reek." I was beginning to realise she wasn't one for tact.

I gasped and jerked backwards.

"Well, thanks!" I said, trying to cover my armpits without looking like I was covering them—of course, an impossible task. Eventually, I gave up and stuffed my fists in the hollow of my arms. No matter how embarrassing it looked, it was better than stinking the playing field out. Meanwhile, the new, unknown vampires were coming ever closer to the playing field, for some reason finding no need to take their time. "Why didn't anybody tell me?" I asked. "Why did you have to let me find out like this?"

"Bella, we didn't want to hurt your feelings..."

"Well, obviously it didn't work, did it?" I said.

Then I thought of something. "Edward! I have to talk to you!" I tried to say it out of the corner of my mouth.

"Yes, Bella?" said Edward, waiting for me to speak. I looked around at all the other people around us, and widened my eyes at him.

"I can't read your mind, you know, Bella," he said, smiling at me. "I thought you knew that one already."

"Very funny, Edward. I need to talk to you in private," I said, glancing around at everybody. They were all watching with avid interest, even Carlisle and Esme, who were doing their best to look as though they _weren't_ looking. Vampire reflexes being what they were, I had no concrete evidence that they were watching us, but I just _knew_.

If this was what I had to look forward to the rest of my relationship with Edward (which I hoped would be much longer than a normal human life), I wasn't sure how long I'd be able to stand it...

"They can hear you anyway," he said. Which was true, but still, it was the _principal_ of the thing!

"Humour me," I said, and dragged him a few metres away from the others.

"Edward," I whispered.

"Yes," he said in a normal voice.

"Oh, for goodness' sake, at least _pretend_ you're humouring me."

"You want me to humour you that I'm humouring you?"

Well, I guess I'd walked right into that one. "Yes. Now shut up."

"Okay," he whispered. "What's wrong?"

"Edward," I said. "I need to know—if I, erm, smell so badly, why are you attracted to me?"

"Isn't it obvious?" he said, with a wide smile on his face. And then I knew: I must be special. Despite smelling the way I did, he'd become attracted to me, and manfully lied about it (perhaps to excuse him wrinkling his nose around me). Maybe I was more beautiful, or more intelligent, or more... well, something else, than the other girls around, and that was what had made him love me. I couldn't wait to find out what it was. "Humour me again," I murmured to him in what I imagined was a sexy voice. "Say it. Out loud."

"Well... okay."

"Good."

"My sense of smell is almost irrevocably damaged!" he told me with a grin.

Wait. _What?_

"No matter how bad the smell, I smell it as something completely different! Hence why your smell doesn't bother me."

I was dumbstruck. This could not be happening.

Edward didn't seem to notice, and continued explaining. "I myself didn't realise it until Jasper commented on your... peculiar odour."

I whipped my head in the direction of the Cullens. Alice's lips were pursed. Jasper, Emmett, and Rosalie were laughing openly. Carlisle and Esme had their heads turned, so I couldn't see their expressions, but I'd have been willing to bet I knew what they were.

At this point, the choice between continuing the conversation and having my face eaten by strange new vampires was becoming not _quite_ so clear-cut.

**18. THE HUNT**

_(They're on their way back from the baseball field in the car, everybody nervous about the coming hunt.)_

_We hit the main road, and though our speed increased, I could see much better where we were going. And we were headed south, away from Forks. "Where are we going?" I asked._

_No one answered. No one even looked at me._

_"Dammit, Edward! Where are you taking me?"_

Still, no answer. This was crazy. I was stuck in a monster Jeep with a car full of vampires, buckled in far too tightly, and going at one hundred and five miles per hour. And nobody was talking to me.

"Guys." I appealed to Alice and Emmett. "Tell me something! Where are we going?" I said the last few words with gritted teeth. The two vampires were just as responsive as Edward had been.

I began talking to myself to fill in the time. It didn't really matter, since nobody was interested in paying me the slightest bit of attention.

"Where, after all, are we all headed in life? Or death? What is the meaning of life? And if it comes to that, why are we here in the first place?"

"Towards death, vampirism, forty-two, and no idea. In that order," said Alice, without taking her eyes off Edward, who was gripping the wheel so hard that I could hear little groaning sounds coming from the stressed instrument.

"Is reality really all it's cracked up to be?" I continued, ignoring Alice. If Edward wasn't going to speak, then he'd have to take it. "Perhaps we're not here at all. Perhaps it's really just all subjective. This might be a dream. It might be reality. Perhaps we're really on a train. Then again, perhaps we're travelling in a car. And we don't know where that car will take us, but it doesn't really matter, because we might be dead anyway, and most importantly, _there's an insane vampire at the wheel!_"

"Will somebody shut her up!"Edward roared, without taking his eyes off the road.

"Not until you tell me what's going on!" I yelled back.

"Emmett," said Edward. "_Please_ take care of her."

Emmett clamped his hand over my mouth so that I couldn't speak.

"Mmf!" I said, trying to struggle. Biting Emmett's hand had no effect, except to startle a harsh, terse chuckle out of him. And then nothing.

I tried again, but gave up pretty quickly; I couldn't do much about it right now. There was no use getting all worked up over it, especially since I didn't know what _it_ was.

I therefore had a lot of time to think. And this was what I'd decided: once Edward got into a more talkative mood, we were totally over—or at least having a really big talk.

In the meantime, I'd learnt something interesting.

Vampires taste disgusting.

* * *

**I realise that if you think about it, the smelling scene doesn't actually quite make sense, but whatever, it was funny. Anyone catch the Inception references? **

**And you all just lost The Game.  
**


	10. Goodbyes & Impatience

**Quick refresher for those of you who haven't read the book in a while: Bella's pretending to break up with Edward because she supposedly wants to go back to Phoenix desperately. Then she's going to go to the airport straight away, thus leading James away from her house and from Charlie.**

* * *

**19. GOODBYES**

_(Bella and Edward are outside her house.)_

_"Get inside, Bella. We have to hurry." His voice was urgent._

_"One more thing," I whispered passionately. "Don't listen to another word I say tonight!" Then I turned and kicked the door open._

_"Go away, Edward!" I yelled at him, running inside and slamming the door shut in his still-shocked face._

_"Bella?" Charlie had been hovering in the living room, and he was already on his feet._

_"Leave me alone!" I screamed at him through my tears, which were flowing relentlessly now. I ran up the stairs to my room, throwing the door shut and locking it. I ran to my bed, flinging myself on the floor to retrieve my duffel bag. I reached swiftly between the mattress and box spring to grab the knotted old sock that contained my secret cash hoard._

But steel fingers clasped around my wrist, and dragged it back.

I looked up in confusion. "Edward, what are you doing?"

"I thought you loved me," he said sorrowfully. His face was as mournful as those little puppy pictures you saw on emails parents always think are funny and like to forward to you, whereupon you promptly trash them.

"I do!" I said, doing my best to convince him. "I do love you!"

Edward shook his head slowly. "I don't think you do. Or you wouldn't have said those things to me."

His grip had grown limp in his sorrow, and I quickly pulled my hand away from his to begin packing again.

"Edward, I don't really have time for this, I'm sorry. I _told_ you not to listen to me when I said those things. I said, 'Don't listen to another word I say tonight.' Is that clear enough for you? I do still love you!"

"But not enough. Not enough to stay here with me."

"Why would you even think that, Edward?"

"Because you said so!"

I made a noise that was halfway between a growl and a 'humph'.

"See, you're annoyed with me now," he said dolefully. "I should just go. You obviously don't want me to stay."

"No, don't do that!"

"I don't think I can stand that vampire much longer, Zaphod," I muttered under my breath as I rummaged through my sock draw.

"What? Who's Zaphod? Your—your boyfriend? Have you been cheating on me?"

"No! He's a fictional character!"

"I don't believe you, Bella. I'm sorry."

I wasn't going to win this one, no way. But I had to try anyway; I was rapidly running out of any other options.

"Bella!"

"Charlie's going to break the door down or something!" I hissed. "Hide!"

"Not until you tell me you love me," said Edward in a small voice.

"Did you really have to pick now to get so insecure?" I asked irritably. Stuck in a small room with my father on the other side of the door and an inconsolably sad vampire who'd never heard of _The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy_ on the other wasn't really high up on my list of Fun Situations To Be In.

Then I heard a key in the lock. Damn. This was definitely the seal of doom unless I could snap Edward out of it.

"Edward, move _now!"_

"No!"

And then the door clicked and Charlie opened it up to see the boy he thought I'd broken up with two minutes ago, now somehow in my room. "Bella, what... Do you want to explain what's going on here?"

"Um. Don't panic?"

Considering James was closing in on both Charlie and me as the seconds passed, I felt this was pretty good advice.

.-.-.-.  
_(So, Bella's made it into her room and is packing, whilst trying to convince Charlie to let her go.)_

_Charlie was pounding on my door._

_"Bella, are you okay? What's going on?" His voice was frightened._

_"I'm going home," I shouted, my voice breaking in the perfect spot._

_"Did he hurt you?" His tone edged toward anger._

_"No!" I shrieked a few octaves higher. I turned to my dresser, and Edward was already there, silently yanking out armfuls of random clothes, which he proceeded to throw to me._

I was stuffing them in as fast as I could.

"Bella, what's this?" Edward quizzically held up a large, thick, leather-bound book that had been in the drawer second from the bottom.

"A manual to reverse aging and the vampiric condition."

"Really?" Edward turned it over and examined it curiously.

"No," I said, trying to get all my clothes to fit in one single suitcase without wasting the time I'd need to fold them properly. "Please don't open it." Unfortunately, he already had.

I cringed, waiting for the jokes. But instead:

"Oh, you were so cute back then!" he cooed, thumbing through the pages. I'd never in my life heard Edward coo. It freaked me out a bit.

"Um, Edward, _please_ put that away."

"But you were _gorgeous_."

"Oh. Were. Thanks."

He looked up, a sappy smile on his face. "Aww, you know I didn't mean _that._"

"I, uh—yeah. Whatever. Can you put it away anyway? _Please_?" I was hoping he wouldn't get to the naked baby photos in time. If there is one thing your boyfriend doesn't need to see, it's you as a child sitting in the bath without a stitch on.

"Soon," he said.

It was especially annoying since there was no way of getting hold of any baby pictures of _him._ I sighed, and kept packing as Edward looked over each and every single page of that hideous book. The only reason I'd taken it with me was so that my mother couldn't whip it out while I wasn't there and show it to visitors.

My plan had backfired after all. You kinda had to admire my brand of luck. Rain or shine, it was pretty consistent.

At least this way I could empty my underwear drawer without him noticing—although, really, I wasn't sure by this stage which situation would be _less_ embarrassing.

* * *

**20. IMPATIENCE**

_(Bella is, understandably, worrying over Laurent, James and Victoria possibly tracking her down and killing some Cullens.)_

_Listen to me!" Jasper ordered. "Our family is strong. Our only fear is losing you."_

_"But why should you —"_

"Because, Bella, you are the key," Alice said without letting me finish.

"The what?" Was I _always_ going to be behind on important things when it came to the world of the undead?

"The key," said Jasper, simply. "Long ago, Bella, there was a prophecy. It said when the mind reader found the one whose mind he could not read, she would become the greatest of them all, and her mere touch could open ways not known to mortal man." He sounded a little stilted, as though he was quoting something.

"What is this? Am I some sort of Lord of the rings or something?"

"No, of course not, Bella!"  
"So what—"

"That was about a _ring_," said Alice slowly. "This was about a _person._ I know you're only a human, but try to keep up."

I breathed in and out, slowly. I'd almost had as much as I could take in the past 24 hours. Perhaps I'd been burdened with _more_ than I could handle, and this was just me in the first stages of insanity. "If what you're saying is true..."

"Which it is."

"Then... well, what kind of ways unknown to mortal man are we talking about?"

"Well, for example..." Jasper glanced uncertainly at Alice, who nodded. He continued more confidently. "For example, you know the pots of gold at the ends of rainbows?"

I didn't like where this was heading. "Look, I've put up with a lot lately. I'm not sure I can stand you telling me that vampire-hating leprechauns are gatekeepers to some sort of rainbow doorway that ends up in fairyland, and that I'll be the one to convince them to let you through."

There was complete and utter silence. Everyone stared at me.

"How did you guess?" said Jasper, aghast.

.-.-.-.  
_(Bella and Alice are having a conversation.)_

"_Would you tell me the truth?"I said._

"_Yes. I will always tell you the truth." Alice's voice was earnest._

"_Tell me... how do you become a vampire?"_

"Ooh, that's a doozy, Bella," said Alice. "But fair enough; you want to know."

"Yes?" I said eagerly.

"Well," said Alice. "First of all, you have to grab a pint of holy water and at least seven large cloves of garlic..."

"Aren't those things meant to be dangerous to vampires?"

"Oh, no!" Alice waved her hand and laughed. "That's something we made up. In reality, it's dangerous to _humans_. If you use them in the right way, of course. And then—"

"So it's got nothing to do with fangs and venom and blood-drinking?" I interrupted.

"Fangs? Ha! No, nothing at all. Whatever gave you that idea?"

"Well, for a start," I said, "Every single piece of vampire lore in the world."

"Bella, Bella, Bella." Alice put her hand on my shoulder. "They're all wrong."

"Really?" It was almost impossible to believe that every single story had been wrong about vampires. But Alice _had_ promised me to tell the truth... I guessed I had to believe her.

"Really, really. Anyway, you grate the garlic into the water, and you leave it in the sun on a very hot day, all day. Add a hint of lemon, if you like. Then you stir it with a silver rod, and drink it up. And that's all there is to it."

"Wow," I said. "So if it's so easy, why doesn't Edward want me to become one?"

Alice sighed and said, "Because it's painful."

"Painful? How?" If all you had to do was drink a glass of water, surely it wasn't _that_ terrible.

Alice sighed again. "Bella, you've obviously never tried to drink hot garlic juice before. It's the worst experience in the world. For no vampire, no memory is as sharp as the one of the transformation. I suggest you don't try it."

"Oh."

"And besides, where are you going to find a silver rod, anyway?"

"That's true," I said, dejected. I didn't know if I could stand the pain the way Alice described it. I sat, silently contemplating whether or not I could give up this way of life, after all, as I'd been so determined to do.

Then Alice said: "You know I'm just kidding you, right, Bella?"

* * *

***Adapted and unchanged Hitchhiker's Guide quotes courtesy of Douglas Adams, Trillian, and the Guide itself. If you haven't read/heard/seen it, I apologise if you didn't find the first outtake in chapter 19 very funny.**


	11. Phone Call & Hide and Seek pt 1

**21. PHONE CALL  
**_(James calls Bella.)_

_"Be very careful not to say anything until I tell you to." The voice I heard now was as unfamiliar as it was unexpected. It was a man's tenor voice, a very pleasant, generic voice — the kind of voice that you heard in the background of luxury car commercials._

It made me suspicious. Too suspicious. "Are you selling something? Because sorry, but I'm not interested. I'm kind of waiting for an... important call."

"I—"

"Really." I never really had the guts to hang up on telemarketers—and even interrupting one was a first for me. But now was different— I didn't have the time to listen.

"Bella, please listen to me," said the man.

Woah, he knew my name? This was getting more than a little creepy. I went from shy, passively-listening-and-slightly-in-a-hurry Bella to angry Bella.

"How did you get my name? Are you stalking me? Trying to scope out potential customers?"

There was silence on the other end of the line. Sensing that I had the advantage, I continued. "Because that goes way beyond market research; that's just not cool. And anyway, I'm not in the market for a hundred-thousand-dollar car or whatever it is, I'll tell you that right now. I'm pretty much broke. Not that that's any of your business."

"_Bella!"_

"Shut up!" I screamed into the phone. "You keep harassing me and I'll call the police. You know what? I might even report you. Tell me your name." Without waiting for him to give his name, I added: "I know my rights. Legally, you have to tell me."

"My name is James," said the man smoothly.

And that was when I realised my colossal mistake.

*.*.*

_"Now I want you to listen very carefully. I'm going to need you to get away from your friends; do you think you can do that? Answer yes or no." _

_"No."_

_"I'm sorry to hear that. I was hoping you would be a little more creative than that. Do you think you could get away from them if your mother's life depended on it? Answer yes or no."_

I took a third option, mainly because by now I just couldn't believe what I was hearing.

"Oh come on," I said scornfully, "if you wanted somebody creative, why the heck did you pick me? You could've chosen anybody."

It was true. He could've chosen anyone. And yet... he'd chosen me. The scorn left my voice as I realised something: I just couldn't be mad at him.

"You know, James, I'm... I'm touched you decided to choose me over everyone else anyway." My voice cracked. His choice was heart-rendingly wrong. "Even though I wasn't as creative, even though I'm the most ordinary girl out there... why? Why am I so special to you? What did I ever do to deserve you choosing me?"

"You smell mouth-wateringly good, Bella Swan," said James. "Somebody else wanted you. And that's all."

"It's enough," I said desperately. "I'll do anything you ask."

James chuckled, a rich, velvety sound. "Are you so willing to desert the love of your life, Isabella? Your love can't be worth that much if you are so inconstant. What would your Edward say if he knew?"

"I don't care about—Edward? Edward!"

Back in a jarring reality, jolted out of my almost-hypnotised state, I slammed the phone down on the cradle. I'd forgotten all about Edward.

I tried to snap out of it. I tried to regain the feeling, that first love I'd had for him...

But all to no avail. Now, try as I might to stop him, James filled my head.

Oh, James...

*.*.*  
_(James has ended his phone call, telling Bella to get to her house alone, where she'll find a phone number to call him.)_

_I pushed the terror back as well as I could. My decision was made. It did no good to waste time agonizing over the outcome. I had to think clearly, because Alice and Jasper were waiting for me, and evading them was absolutely essential, and absolutely impossible._

_I went to face Alice. The only expression I could manage was a dull, dead look. I saw her alarm and I didn't wait for her to ask. I had just one script and I'd never manage improvisation now._

_"My mom was worried, she wanted to come home. But it's okay, I convinced her to stay away." My voice was lifeless. _And Alice wasn't fooled.

"I don't believe you, Bella," she said. "You're lying through your teeth." She came closer to me, examined my face carefully, worriedly. "What's going on?"

Uh-oh. Rumbled. "N-nothing. I'm not lying."

For a few seconds, she gazed off into a distance I couldn't see, and I knew that she knew. "Yes you are. Jasper, the plan is _off_. We are staging an intervention. We're gonna get Bella the hell out of here."

As Jasper began to collect suitcases, I tried to distract Alice. "Since when did you start channelling the whole sistah thing, Alice? You're too white to pull that off!"

Alice looked down at her bloodless, paler-than-pale skin with raised eyebrows. "Was that supposed to be a joke?"

Good, it was working.

"Because in any case, it doesn't matter. We're getting the next flight to Egypt and hiding out there for a couple of weeks."

Or maybe not. I did my best to steer her away from that train of thought. The last thing I wanted to do was go to _Egypt_.

"Egypt's got a lot of sun, Alice. I don't know that you could hide very well there..."

She nodded thoughtfully. "That's true."

"In fact, I think we should just stick to the original—"

"You're right, Bella," said Alice. "Perhaps Antarctica would be a better place to go."

_Antarctica?_

"Uh... Alice? Come to think of it, Egypt sounds great."

* * *

**22. HIDE-AND-SEEK PT1  
**_(We're now at the Phoenix airport. Bella, Alice and Jasper are waiting for Edward to arrive, and Bella, thinking Renee is in James' clutches, is trying to get away from Alice and Jasper so she can get to her mother.)_

_Jasper walked silently beside me, his hand on the small of my back, as if he were guiding me. I pretended a lack of interest in the first few airport cafes, my head scanning for what I really wanted. And there it was, around the corner, out of Alice's sharp sight: the level-three ladies' room._

_"Do you mind?" I asked Jasper. "I'll just be a moment."_

_"I'll be right here," he said._

_As soon as the door shut behind me, I was running. I remembered the time I had gotten lost from this bathroom, because it had two exits._

Just as I left the other door, I realised something. Call it nerves, tension, or just a long time between visits—whatever. The fact was, I really needed to go. I sighed, and doubled back. This wasn't going to make Alice any more suspicious, though it might give me less of a head start in getting away.

I finished up quickly, and washed my hands hastily at the sink, not bothering to dry them before running straight through the exit door.

Within seconds, I crashed right into somebody. I supposed, considering my clumsiness, it was only to be expected.

"Sorry," I muttered, collecting myself and getting ready to run off again. That was when I realised who I'd run into. Somebody cold and hard. Jasper.

I'd come out of the wrong exit.

Damn.

Damn damn damn damn damn and double damn.

I looked around for the nearest wall that could stand me banging my head against it.

"What are you doing, Bella?" Jasper asked quickly. "Is something in there?"

We both knew what that 'something' meant. I used this to my advantage and nodded my head frantically. Perhaps if I played it the right way, he'd go into the bathroom and I could run off in the opposite direction.

"What's this?"

Oh no. Could this get any worse? A security guard had walked up. Normally that would have been really handy, but considering my predicament, it just made it more damn-laden. "What were you running from, miss?

"Bomb," I said, that being the first thing to come to mind. "There's a bomb in there."

Immediately the guard took action. "This is Rocky, we've got a possible threat in the level three rest-rooms."

"Let's get you out of here," murmured Jasper in a voice so soft only I could hear.

Unfortunately, the security guard had other ideas. "I'm going to ask you to remain here for questioning to assist us. If you're here to catch a plane, I apologise for the inconvenience. The airline will refund your flight."

Great.

Five minutes later, the place was swarming with cops, and Jasper and I were sitting in an office as the guard questioned us.

"Names, please?"

"Isabella Swan," I said, my mouth dry. How was I going to make it to my mother now?

"Jasper Hale."

"Next-of-kin or parents' contact numbers?"

We gave them.

"Can you tell me what you saw, please, Isabella?"

Oh great. I had no idea what to reply with, since I hadn't really thought this through. I was going to have to scrabble for some sort of explanation from what I already knew. "Uh... I saw something black. And... I, um, heard a ticking noise? So I thought I'd better get out of there." It sounded hopelessly lame, and I could tell the security guard didn't really believe me. Still, he had to follow up on this—it was his job.

"Mm-hmm. Just sit tight here while I go check it out, all right?"

I nodded, breathless from my narrow escape. "Sure."

As soon as the guard had left, Jasper said, "Bella, what was _really_ in there?"

I said, "Look, don't worry about it." Which wasn't a great deflection, as deflections go.

"Bella..." he said in a warning tone.

"Bella!" came Alice's joyous shriek from down the hall. People turned to stare as she danced through to us, and pulled me into her arms, spinning me around. She had a look on her face as though the weight of the world had been lifted off her shoulders. Seeing her gave me a kind of rather dizzy hope.

I'm sure it must have showed on my face because she took one look at me and stopped spinning. The dizziness began to fade. Gradually.

"Bella, it's all right!" she said. "I've seen it and everything's going to be all right!"

Well, that was good, but what was going on?

"Bella!" Yet another person was calling me.

What was this, a Brady Bunch family reunion? I was beginning to get sick of hearing my name—so much so that I didn't even turn around. At least, I didn't turn until I recognised the voice. A voice that belonged to a person who should have been in the clutches of James, but obviously wasn't.

"Mom?" I gasped, scarcely able to believe it. The relief was so overwhelming that the room practically swam with it. "What are you—why aren't you—"

"Bella? What are you doing here? I just got off the plane when my phone rang—oh, we're meant to turn them off, aren't we?" she said with a coy look at the open door. "I always forget... But, Bella, they told me you called in a bomb threat! Honey, what's going on?"

"Well, I, uh..."

"This your daughter?" Uh-oh. The security guard was back. And he did not look happy.

I cringed. I might have been extremely confused, but I knew _exactly_ what this guy was here for: my blood. Right now I wished it was a literal case, rather than figurative. At least then I would've had two vampires to defend me.

"Well, er, yes," said Renee, flustered. She looked as though she was going to say something else, but then she turned back to me. "And what do you mean, what am I doing here? Bella, you _knew_ I was coming back today."

"You—you're meant to be with James..." I said faintly, barely sure what I was saying at all.

"Ma'am," the security guard cut in.

"James? Who's James?" asked Renee, confused.

"A vampire," I said without thinking, then immediately regretted it. There was no way I was going to be able to explain this one.

Understanding came to my mother's eyes. "Officer, I'm so sorry about my daughter. She's been under a lot of stress lately, moving to a new town and all. I don't think she knows what she's saying."

"Mom, I'm fine," I tried to say, but she cut me off.

"Bella, try not to speak. You need a lot of rest, sweetie. When was the last time you slept?"

"It has been a while, Mrs. Swan," said Alice helpfully, trying to get this conversation off the vampire trail. Which only made me more determined to get on to it again. She deserved it.

"But the—the—the vampires..." I said faintly, trying to find something, anything, that wouldn't make me seem crazy.

I wasn't doing too good of a job.

"I can see we need to get you home," said my mom.

"I'd agree with that," said the security guard. He looked a little pacified by my mother, though he still shot me a dirty look as we left. It only made me want to try and convince them more.

"The vampires—they were—they—"

Everybody, even Jasper and Alice, was looking at me as though they didn't understand a word I was saying. Alice said, soothingly, "We'll take care of James, Bella. It's going to be all right."

Then, as my mother steered me past them and out of the airport door, she had the nerve to give me a hopeful smile and a little fairy wave.

As soon as I was let out of the house, I was going to kill her.

* * *

**Disclaimer: I did absolutely no research on airport security measures. It probably shows.**


	12. Hide and Seek pt 2 & Angel

**22. HIDE-AND-SEEK (PT. 2)**

_I jumped out of the shuttle and ran to the cab, sliding into the seat behind the driver. The tired couple and the shuttle driver stared at me. I told him my mother's address. "I need to get there as soon as possible."_

_"That's in Scottsdale," he complained._

_I threw four twenties over the seat._

_"Will that be enough?"_

_"Sure, kid, no problem."_

"Really?" I said. "Because it was starting to sound like you did have a problem with me being here." My nerves were wound tight, and this cabbie was rubbing me up the wrong way. Why should money have to make such a difference to this? What happened to being nice? To taking people places because that's where they wanted to go?

"Look, just close the door so we can get a move on!" He sounded frustrated and in a hurry. Well, I wasn't going to let him get off _that_ easily.

"So that's it?" I said. "I show you the money and you're la-di-dah fine, but before that, you won't even help a girl out."

"Kid, I don't have time for this. Close the door and stop yelling, or just get off."

"You still want my money though, don't you?" I said. "You'll have to give it back if you don't take me."

"I don't have to do nuthin'."

"The customer's always right, mister."

The cabbie threw up his hands and said loudly, "All right, that's it. I've had enough."

"Oh, you wanna take this outside?" I said, just to get at him further. It was ridiculous the way he was making so much fuss over this. After all, _he_ was in the wrong.

"You know what, kid? I do. I've had enough of you," said the driver.

"You said that already," I noted, but he didn't rise to the bait. Instead, he swung open his door and jumped out.

"Erm, excuse me," said the man from the couple in the back. "We'd like to go to our hotel, if you don't mind."

"I'll be a minute or two, sir, and if you don't like it, you can leave," said the driver, then slammed his door and glared at me, his watery blue eyes protruding from his reddening face. He muttered something I didn't quite catch, though it seemed to have to do with 'kids these days'.

We squared up and faced each other at the front of the car, both ignoring the soft but insistent tapping coming from the backseat window.

"Come on," I said. "Throw a punch. You know you want to. Or are you just too scared? Won't hit a girl?"

The driver's face turned an even more unhealthy shade of purple. I could tell I'd broken him. He took a large step towards me, raised his hand, and—

Well, not much happened straight after that, because somebody was holding him back.

At first I thought I was dreaming—but no, it was Edward, all right.

He was back from his flight.

"Edward?" I breathed. He ignored me.

"She's really quite a nice person, normally," he apologised to the driver. "She just gets a little worked up sometimes."

He guided me gently in the opposite direction from the shuttle, and steered me back the way I had come.

I was still a little too shocked to register anything, but a hundred feet or so later, I came to with a snap and realised something very important. I'd left 80 bucks to a driver who didn't end up driving me anywhere! He hadn't given my fare back! I turned to Edward and said innocently, "Actually, you know what? You go on ahead. I have something I need to do."

I batted away his protests and ran back. I hoped I wasn't too late to catch the shuttle as it, and my fare, left. And, come to think of it, I had a little something to take care of—or should I say, some_body._

Oh, yeah. This time, that cabbie was going _down_.

*.*.*

_(Back to normal, minus the cabbie smackdowns, and said cabbie has dropped Bella off in Scottsdale.)_

_"Here we are, then." He was anxious to get me out of his car, probably hoping I wouldn't ask for my change._

_"Thank you," I whispered. There was no need to be afraid, I reminded myself. The house was empty. I had to hurry; my mom was waiting for me, frightened, depending on me._

_I ran to the door, reaching up automatically to grab the key under the eave. _

It wasn't there. In frustration I bashed on the wood of the door, then remembered that nobody was home. Oh well. At least there was nobody around to witness my stupidity.

But to my surprise I heard footsteps coming up the passageway. The door opened, and a man with dark hair, about thirty years old, peered around the edge of it.

He looked around furtively, and then examined me. "You're younger than I thought you'd be," he said. "But come in. We don't want the police to catch us."

Confused and curious, I let him lead me inside.

*.*.*

Three hours later, I emerged from that house a new woman. Now, I had friends in low places. Now, I was armed. Now, I—

Well, to be honest, I was tripping down the steps. I picked myself up, shook my hair, and tried to regain my poise.

Where was I? Oh, yes.

Now, I could take on James, no problem. So, world, meet Bella Swan, criminal mastermind in training and vampire hunter extraordinaire.

That was when I stumbled over my own feet again. Maybe I'd better just work on the clumsiness factor first...

*.*.*

_(Bella has arrived at the ballet studio.)_

_He took a step back and touched a palm-sized digital video camera balanced carefully on top of the stereo. A small red light indicated that it was already running. He adjusted it a few times, widened the frame. I stared at him in horror._

_"I'm sorry, but I just don't think he'll be able to resist hunting me after he watches this. And I wouldn't want him to miss anything. It was all for him, of course. You're simply a human, who unfortunately was in the wrong place, at the wrong time, and indisputably running with the wrong crowd, I might add."_

The wrong crowd? The _Cullens_ were the _wrong crowd?_ That did it. I'd been through a lot since that baseball game, but this took the cake. Who was he to tell me who my friends were? "Don't you tell me who I can and cannot hang out with! It's none of your business, anyway!" I yelled at him.

"Bella, Bella, Bella," James said condescendingly. "You can't seriously believe they're good for you. They're a real fast set."

"It's just the way they are!"

"And on a 'special diet', too. I'd like to know what it _really_ is."

"It's just animal blood!" I said, though I knew I was fighting a losing battle.

"Oh, I'm sure that's what it is!" He smiled cruelly, and suddenly I was scared. "Well, young lady, you're not going to be 'hanging out' with them for much longer."

"What? No! You don't mean you're—"

"Grounding you, yes. You're to stay confined to your room at all times. Meanwhile, I'm going to try and hunt this young man of yours down. Give him a good 'talking to', if you know what I mean..."

"What? You can't do this to me, James! You're not my father!"

But he didn't answer, instead leaving the building at a swift run almost too fast to see. I waited a good fifteen seconds for him to get as far away as possible, and then grinned. Alice would see this coming. And anyway, hadn't James ever heard of sneaking out?

* * *

**23. ANGEL**

_And then I knew I was dead._

_Because, through the heavy water, I heard the sound of an angel calling my name..._

_"Oh no, Bella, no!" the angel's voice cried in horror. Behind that longed-for sound was a vicious bass growling, a shocking snapping sound, and a high keening, suddenly breaking off…_

_I tried to concentrate on the angel's voice instead._

_"Bella, please! Bella, listen to me, please, please, Bella, please!" he begged._

I can hear you,_ I wanted to say. But I couldn't find my lips._

_"Carlisle!" the angel called, agony in his voice. "Bella, Bella, no, oh please, no, no!" And the angel was sobbing tearless, broken sobs._

I could barely take it anymore.

_I cried out, gasping, breaking through the dark pool._ "Edward!"

_"Bella!" the angel cried._ "Bella, speak to me, anything, please!"

"Edward..." I said again, gasping for breath. Speaking had taken a lot of effort.

He grasped my hand eagerly. "Yes, Bella. Oh, Bella, what is it?"

"You... sound... like a broken... record..."

*.*.*

_(Edward is, as we speak, mightily resisting temptation and sucking James' venom out of Bella's body.)_

_I sighed contentedly. The fire was gone, the other pains dulled by a sleepiness seeping through my body._

_"Is it all out?" Carlisle asked._

_"Her blood tastes clean," Edward said quietly. "I can taste the morphine._ Actually, aside from that, she tastes kinda good._"_

"Give me a sip," said Alice. "I—I mean, I want to be sure she's fine."

I felt a slight pressure of her lips on my hand, and then they were gone. "Mm, I think you're right."

"Maybe I'd better have another taste, just to be sure..."

"You do that," said Alice.

Edward took another sip of my blood. "Mm. It... it tastes kinda like chicken."

"You can remember chicken?" asked Carlisle, interested.

"Hey," said Edward. "I've been inside a dozen so-called 'vegetarian's' minds."

Alice laughed. "_I_ don't think Bella tastes like chicken. It's sort of more of a cherry-tart, custard, pineapple, roast turkey, toffee, and hot buttered toast kind of taste. I think I'd better have another sip to be sure."

Edward laughed. "Don't drink _too_ much, Alice."

By that time the pain had relaxed its grip on me and I was strong enough to sit up and snatch my hand away from the two greedy vampires.

"Oh, no, you don't!" I said. "I happen to need that blood, you know!"

I eyed them severely. They hung their heads.

"Now, what do you say?" I asked, crossing my arms.

"Sorry, Bella," they mumbled.

"And?"

"And we won't do it again."

"Good." I lay back down, exhausted. Two minutes later, I felt a cold hand on my arm. It was beginning to go numb, but I could still tell that somebody was trying to move it.

I felt the faintest touch of somebody's lips on my skin.

"No!" I said strongly.

"Sorry," came whisper, whether Alice's or Edward's I could not tell.

They sure didn't try _that_ again.


	13. An Impasse & Epilogue

**Because Emmett's totally the kind of guy who wastes all day on youtube getting sidetracked by funny cats, epic fails, and Autotune The News.**

* * *

**24. AN IMPASSE  
**_(Bella wakes up in hospital)_

_Cool fingers caught my hand._

_"Edward?" I turned my head slightly, and his exquisite face was just inches from mine, his chin resting on the edge of my pillow. "Oh, Edward, I'm so sorry!"_

_"Shhhh," he shushed me. "Everything's all right now."_

_"I was so stupid, Edward. I thought he had my mom."_

Emmett spoke up from the back of the room, which I now realised was full of people—vampires, really. "She's a stupid bi—"

"Emmett, now is not the time for Sassy Gay Friend," said Alice, who, I noticed, was standing on the other side of my bed.

"Sorry."

I think we all knew he wasn't really.

*.*.*  
_(Bella's mother is with her. No prizes for guessing who they're talking about.)_

_"I think that boy is in love with you," she accused, keeping her voice low._

_"I think so, too," I confided._

_"Well, he seems very nice, and, my goodness, he's incredibly good-looking, but you're so young, Bella…" _

I didn't like the sound of that. "And you're saying you're older?" I asked her. What if—

"Are you saying you like him? Because you can't have him, mom. That would just be... gross. Really gross."

"Bella, why would you even _think_..."

"Are you lying to me? Tell me the truth! Are you trying to prey on my boyfriend? Because that's gotta be illegal, mom. He's only seventeen. No offense, but you're _ancient._"

"Bella, stealing your boyfriend has to be the furthest thing from my mind right now! I don't know what's put that into your head, but I'm hoping it's just the drugs!" she said angrily at the same time that I said, "You're such a cougar, mom, it's seriously wrong. You need to get help. It's just... really, really _wrong._"

Our voices were getting louder. Edward opened his eyes, feigning sleepiness. "What are you two talking about?"

Renee and I suddenly went rigid. "Nothing," we said as one.

"I'm just... uh, I'm going to go get a coffee," my mom said, and left the room, practically at a run.

When she'd gone, Edward just looked at the almost-full coffee cup beside Renee's recently vacated chair, and then looked to me. That was when I realised what I'd been saying for the past five minutes. I had no idea whatsoever about how I was going to explain this to him.

"Um... Heh, know, my mom's right; Valium can make you say some funny things..."

It was true, too.

* * *

**EPILOGUE**

**Entire _series_ spoilers ahoy in the second outtake, so if you don't know the ending yet, don't read.  
****Then again, by this stage, who **_**doesn't**_** know the ending?**

_"Hey, I'm sorry you had to come do this, Jacob," I apologized. "At any rate, you get your parts, right?"_

_"Yeah," he muttered. He was still looking awkward… upset._

_"There's more?" I asked in disbelief._

_"Forget it," he mumbled, "I'll get a job and save the money myself."_

_I glared at him until he met my gaze. "Just spit it out, Jacob."_

_"It's so bad."_

_"I don't care. Tell me," I insisted._

_"Okay… but, geez, this sounds bad." He shook his head. "He said to tell you, no, to warn you, that — and this is his plural, not mine" — he lifted one hand from my waist and made little quotations marks in the air — '"We'll be watching.'" He watched warily for my reaction._

_It sounded like something from a mafia movie. I laughed out loud._

"Hey, Jacob—'Don't ever ask me about my business'," I said, stroking an imaginary cat.

He grinned. "We'll be watching," he said again, this time with an Italian boss accent, and a large imaginary cigar. It was so dead-on that I couldn't stop myself from laughing. He joined in.

It took us several minutes to calm down. "Good one, Jake," I gasped finally, still grinning my head off. "You're pretty funny, you know!"

Jacob blushed and looked down. "Well, actually there's like, literally, um..."

"Just spit it out, Jake!"

He did.

"There's like three La Push kids camped outside your house with binoculars and orders to shoot if anything—well, um, happens."

Having somebody say a thing like that usually brings the funnies to a halt.

Jacob had definitely brought the funnies to a halt. I stared at him.

"You're not serious."

He shifted uncomfortably.

Oh, okay: he was. Well, I didn't think it would make much difference to Edward if they shot him, but that was a fact probably best kept to ourselves.

*.*.*  
_(Jacob has left Edward and Bella to dance alone.)_

_"I'm not mad at Billy," Edward said. "But his son is irritating me."_

_I pulled back to look at him. "Why?"_

_"First of all, he made me break my promise." He half-smiled. "I promised I wouldn't let go of you tonight. And there's something else." He frowned._

_I waited patiently._

_"He called you pretty," he finally continued, his frown deepening. "That's practically an insult, the way you look right now. You're much more than beautiful."_

_I laughed. "You might be a little biased._ Anyway, you're going be a lot more irritated later on when Jacob actually falls in love with me. Compared to that, being called 'pretty' is a piece of cake. I'd take what you can get right now."

Edward did a double take. "What?"

I smiled and patted his arm gently. "Jacob's going to fall in love with me in the next year or so. But hey—why worry now? We'll have time for that later."

He was staring at me now, _really_ staring. "Bella, are you sure you're all right?"

"I'm fine," I said, doing my best to reassure him. "Absolutely fine. Stop worrying. It'll all turn out well. It's practically a guarantee."

It was, too. Although I still wasn't looking forward to the events of _New Moon_. However, Jacob's presence would soften the blow a little, for which I was thankful.

"Bella, you're making no sense tonight," said Edward.

He raised his eyes to the heavens in exasperation, and his grip on me relaxed a little. I'd lost his attention for now—and, all things considered, that was probably a good thing.

_"Twilight, again," he murmured_, still staring at the sky_. "Another ending. No matter how perfect the day is, it always has to end."_

_"Some things don't have to end," I _said. "I mean, sure this book has to end, and so does the series, but we'll still live forever in the printed word, and in so many people's minds. Maybe even their hearts..."

I shook my head. Or maybe I was just being really sentimental and cheesy. Still, I had an excuse—I was just written that way, at least a little bit.

"Are you sure you're feeling all right?" Edward said again.

"Yeah, that was a pretty stupid thing to say," I agreed. "Just forget I said anything. Just let me compliment you on a very snazzy title drop."

He looked perplexed, poor guy. And no wonder—it couldn't be easy being a character in a book and not knowing anything about it. Especially when your girlfriend suddenly finds she can break the fourth wall quite effortlessly. Perhaps, to save Edward from having a meltdown, it would be better to change the subject.

"So anyway, tell me why you brought me to the _prom_ of all places?" I indicated the decorations around us, all of which, sadly, couldn't take away the fact that this was undoubtedly the Forks High School gym. I didn't have too many happy memories here, nor was I ever going to. At least tonight wasn't going to be a disappointment.

_He sighed._

_"I brought you to the prom," he said slowly, "because I don't want you to miss anything. I don't want my presence to take anything away from you, if I can help it. I want you to be human. I want your life to continue as it would have if I'd died in nineteen-eighteen like I should have."_

I shook my head and sighed. "Edward, when are you ever going to stop dwelling on the past? You're always too moody for your own good. You're lucky I kinda like that about you. But seriously, please. _In what strange parallel dimension would I ever have gone to prom of my own free will? If you weren't a thousand times stronger than me, I would never have let you get away with this._ In fact, if we'd only waited a couple of years to go to prom, I'd totally be able to stay away, and kick your butt into the bargain. What with being vampirised, and all." I realised what I'd let slip, and covered my mouth with my hand. "Just forget I said _that_, too."

"Now I _know_ you're talking nonsense." _He sighed deeply._ "You don't know what you're joking about."

"Yes I do. You totally don't know how much you have no idea about how much I know what I'm—wait. No. I forget where I'm going with this."

"Are you done?" Edward asked me.

I shrugged. "Evidently."

"Because I'm not going to change you, Bella. Never ever. You deserve to stay human."

He looked earnest, but I couldn't help but think ahead to what I knew was coming next. "You say that now—and I know you're not going to change me yet. Not for a while. Not until ages later, and by that time we'll also be getting ready for Renes—" I stopped. Some things are better left unsaid and I wasn't sure Edward was ready to hear that I was going to be pregnant someday...

Heck, it was still freaking _me_ out! Just the mere thought of it was making me breathe a whole lot faster, and heavier, and, and...

Yeesh. I shuddered. There are some things you just don't want to think about. "You know," I said to Edward, "There are definite disadvantages to this whole fourth wall thing sometimes..."

Edward made a strange sound, somewhere between a chuckle, a snort, and a groan.

I looked up at him innocently. "What?"

That was when he kissed me—which I have to say, was awesome enough to make me to forget everything that was coming in the first few chapters of the next book.

"Bella," he said, beginning to laugh. "Bella, love, don't take this the wrong way, but I think you're just a little bit crazy."

I grinned, and kissed him back. "So what else is new?"

**The End.**

* * *

**Well, that's definitely the end of Twilight Outtakes. And let me tell you right now, there's no way I'm touching New Moon, Eclipse, Breaking Dawn, or Bree Tanner. If you want Outtakes from those, you're gonna have to do 'em yourself. **

**I was going to go all nostalgic here, but I thought, what's the point? If you want to read about all that, you can PM me and I'll gladly tell you, but otherwise, I'll leave well enough alone. All I ask, as I finish this story off, is for a review or two :)**


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